


A Small Step To Forever

by tvshipsetc



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:13:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 45,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21582838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvshipsetc/pseuds/tvshipsetc
Summary: There is a world behind a person. Smiles. Laughs. Tears. Pain. Sorrow. Max has known Helen for a while but there is so much that he doesn’t know.There is something between them. They know it. They feel it. But even when all the other obstacles are removed, one thing remains, holding them back from taking a small step to forever.
Relationships: Floyd Reynolds/Evie Garrison, Lauren Bloom/Floyd Reynolds, Max Goodwin & Helen Sharpe, Max Goodwin/Helen Sharpe, Sharpwin - Relationship
Comments: 72
Kudos: 185





	1. It’s worth it

**Author's Note:**

> I know how this ends but I have to give you chapters upon chapters of context before we can get there. I hope you stick around to see where this goes.

The halls of New Amsterdam were shrieking with rapture. On everyone’s faces there were smiles exposing pearly whites, hearts galloping with sheer joy and mouths filled with the kindest words. Almost two years ago, grief blew her gusty winds through the same halls, throwing some of them for a loop. With nothing left but heartache and dozens of what ifs, joy was coming again. Hope, like a prodigal child, was making her way back home. No one expected this to be such a big deal, but it was. Someone, no, two _really_ good people, were finally entering a lifetime commitment. Perhaps, the staff just wanted something to make them believe in forever again. To make them believe that love could last again.

Evie and Reynolds had been through their fair share of rollercoaster rides in the short time they had been together. At first, she was nothing that he imagined he’d be with. Then, against his family’s advice, he decided that she was his forever. The twists and turns of desiring to put their careers before each other, only to realize the fragility of life, caused them to run soberly into each other’s arms with a promise of forever in one tight hug months ago. No more procrastinating. No more waiting. They decided that on June 1st, the following year, they’d make the step, hand in hand, on the same road to forever.

“Oh my gosh! Congratulations! No one deserves this more than you,” Bloom said pulling Reynolds into a hug after he formally announced the date after their department heads meeting.

Max and Sharpe exchanged knowing looks, silently agreeing about how hard that must have been for her. Bloom was slowly realizing that she had no control over what was meant to be. She knew that one day, love would find her. That love just wouldn’t be between her and Reynolds.

“I’m so happy for you Reynolds. Evie is a lucky girl,” Helen said sincerely, touching his shoulder as she walked off waiting at the door of the conference room for Max.

Max pulled his unofficial male bestie into a hug and pat his back as a sign of his approval.

“Big step brother. But it’s worth it.”

“I hope you realize that one day soon,” Reynolds replied, leaving Max with a confused look on his face. 

Walking toward Helen, Max was still distracted by what Reynolds said. He didn’t quite understand what big step he could possibly take in his own life that would be worth it.

“Love is a beautiful thing, isn’t it? I’m so happy for them. I know Lauren is probably a little sad, but she’d find her person. I’m saying that so confidently as if I’ve found mine,” Helen chuckled as she felt slightly embarrassed at her admission.

She eventually realized that Max hadn't acknowledged her since she started talking. She turned to look at him, but he didn't even notice. His mind was far. It’s clear that only his body was present next to hers.

“Max!”

He didn't hear her.

“Max!” she said a second time but only louder.

“Huh? Yea?” he questioned, as he was pulled out of his trance.

“I’ve literally been talking to you for the last minute and you’ve been somewhere else. Are you okay? You know you can talk to me, right?” Helen asked in a concerned tone.

She still gets worried when he drifts off. It reminds her of before. They’d be at lunch together or in board meetings and he’d just get quiet for minutes at a time. His eyes would avert her gaze, his face would express such sweet sorrow and it’s as if, everything around him would go black. It was at those moments, she eventually found out, that he’d remember the accident. She thought that he was over it, at least to some extent. The truth is, he was over it. This moment was different. If she was paying any attention to his face, she would have recognized that he was more pensive than anything else. No sweet sorrow to savor. Just confusion, trying to work out what Reynolds meant.

“Helen, I’m okay. If something was wrong, you’d be the first person to know. You’re my person. Remember?” he said in the softest tone while looking at her square in her eyes and holding her shoulders with his hands.

As he held her, their minds drifted to the first time he ever called her ‘his person.’

_After the accident, their relationship took an unsuspecting turn. Distance. Early on, Helen tried to be there for him but all her efforts were futile. He pushed her way. He kept cancelling their lunch dates, refused her coffee when she’d bring it telling her he’d had his fair share at home, toss her sticky notes on the documents she’d leave on his desk to the side and even send her calls when they were outside of work, straight to voicemail. She got the message. He didn’t want to talk about it-not with her anyway. Eventually, she left him on his own with the burning hope that he’d come to her when he was ready. Their relationship became strictly professional and their discussions focused on the hospital and the patients. If she saw him with Luna in the hallway, she would turn to walk the other way because she knew she didn’t want to look at him. She knew she’d see the pain and he’d see the concern in her eyes making it all too much. Something about seeing him with Luna would bring up emotions that she knew he would rather avoid-especially at work._

_About two months post accident, she knocked on his office door for him to approve a new machine for her department. When she got no response after two knocks, although the door was slightly ajar, she decided to let herself in. He sat there at his desk with his face in his hands. She called out to him and when he looked up at her, she saw it. For the first time since Georgia died, she saw him completely off kilter and drowning in his grief. She didn’t quite know how to respond and opted to quietly apologize and leave. Just as she turned on her heels, he whispered, “Don’t leave me. Please stay.”_

_She walked toward him still unsure of what he wanted her to do. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t quite know if she should even say anything. He got up from where he was sitting and as he stood in front of her, she made the last steps toward him, closing the distance between them. She held him tightly. He was almost too weak to even hold on to her. He buried his face in her left shoulder and she held him up as he cried. Silently, she resolved that she was never going to allow him to drown. She would be his anchor, keeping him afloat as the surge of grief tried to overwhelm him._

_Later that night, he texted <<You’re my person. Never doubt that.>> And no day has passed since then, that he hasn’t told her. _

She squinted at him, searching his eyes for any hint of lies. She found none.

“Promise?” she asked, still needing his assurance.

“Always,” he said without any hesitation or doubt.

“Good. Now let me go,” she said smiling at him, successfully lightening the mood.

The smile reached his eyes and he shook his head at her in disbelief that she could still be such a tease.

“You’re really something,” he said affirmatively.

“You think you know just how much but you don’t,” she bit back without thinking.

“Show me,” he said almost immediately, not missing a beat.

His tone was seductive. There was no second guessing.

There was minimal distance between them. They were so close that if she would only move five centimeters forward and get on her tiptoes, her lips would touch his. He scanned her eyes. She was buried in his.

After it escaped his lips, he wished he could take it back. She just stared at him giving him a look that he could barely decipher. Determination? Shock? Intrigue? He could count on one hand the number of times Helen had been speechless. This was one such moment among the other two times.

As if all of the universe was working together to deliver him from the hole he dug himself in, Bloom interrupted them. 

“Ahem,” she cleared her throat.

“Uh, I’m sorry to interrupt this terribly awkward moment or whatever it is happening here, but you’ve had enough Sharpe time today Max. She’s mine now. You have to learn to share boss,” Bloom said as a matter of fact.

I’d share anything but Helen, he thought to himself.

“She’s all yours.”

Max smiled walking off leaving the two besties to most likely gossip.

Sharpe and Bloom walked back to Sharpe’s office in complete silence- something that never really happens when they’re together. Bloom knew that the walls of New Amsterdam had ears and mouths, so she decided to wait until they were behind closed doors before broaching the topic.

Closing the door behind her, Helen finally breathed for the first time in five minutes. A deep sigh escaped her lips and she closed her eyes trying to find her balance. All that kept replaying in her mind was, what the hell just happened?

“Okay, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost or something. There is pure shock written _all_ over your face. Max?” Lauren inquired.

“I-I don’t know. I mean I know. It is Max. He-I don’t know Lauren,” Helen responded baffled, barely making any sense. 

Lauren started laughing while Helen damn near had a panic attack.

“You’ve literally told me a whole lot of nothing. Care to have a seat so you can gather yourself?” Lauren asked extending her hand toward the chair.

Helen scoffed but decided to play along.

“Why yes I shall, imitation Ignatius Frome,” Helen replied in her thick British accent.

“Let’s get down and dirty baby. What’s going on?” Lauren responded mischievously.

“Okay. Now Iggy _definitely_ would never say that!” 

Pacing up and down the office, Helen said, “I literally have no idea what’s happening. One moment he was spaced out and I called him out on it. Then he says something about me being his person. Still normal. He tells me that practically every day. But then he says that I’m something. And I respond that he has no idea how much. And then he says that I should show him in the most seductive tone he has _ever_ used with me. I just froze. I have no idea what my face looked like. I don’t even know what I would’ve said if you didn’t rescue me. Lauren!!!!” 

Lauren stared at Helen completely amused that she was so flustered about the whole thing-evidence that Max meant more to her than she’d care to admit. Helen is the queen of composure. She knows how to handle anything. Apparently, anything but Max Goodwin potentially liking her.

“Helen, first of all, you couldn’t even stay seated for a minute. Secondly, why are you so worked up about this?” Lauren asked waiting for her to come to the realization on her own.

“Uh, I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like he’s explicitly said anything to me. This could all be in my head,” she tried to reassure herself.

“Is it? Just in your head?” Lauren continued to probe.

Finally, she let the truth slip.

“I don’t want to lose him Lauren,” she paused as the weight of her admission grounded her in reality.

“You won’t,” Lauren said assuringly, clearly convinced that they were good for each other.

“You can’t know that for sure. He’s my best friend. I go to him on my bad days. I call him when I have a bad dream. I ask him for advice on how to deal with my overbearing mother. He knows me better than anyone else. He even knows me better than you do and you’ve known me for the last five years!”

“I’m not exactly thrilled that you admitted that. I mean I knew but not thrilled. Anyway, all that you said, is exactly why you should give it a shot. Helen, can you really admit that there isn’t even the tiniest part of you that has romantic feelings for Max?”

“I’m not going to pretend. I’ve thought about it before, earlier on in our friendship. I just dismissed it. I talked myself out of those feelings because I thought we’d be better off as friends. You know how good I am at convincing myself. But things have been getting _so_ weird between us that I could barely talk to him now and not weigh the what ifs and maybes in my mind. You know me, I can take charge in almost every other area of my life, but I am a literal wimp when it comes to my love life.”

“No arguments there,” Lauren quipped.

“Here’s what. You and I are going shopping for a dress for the wedding. You’re going to get your hair done. Everything on you will be new. From your earrings to your thong. If you even decide to wear underwear,” Lauren winked at Helen.

“I have a good feeling about this. Weddings bring people together and I am now on a mission to get you and Max together if it’s the last thing I do. I love you and I want you to be happy. I know Max can make you happy,” Lauren said sappily, pulling Helen into a tight hug.

“Gosh, I love you,” Helen said softly.

“Not more than I love you,” Lauren responded.


	2. I’d wait for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dives into Helen’s real struggle with Max and their relationship. She told Lauren that she doesn’t want to lose Max. Finally, you get to see why that is such a big deal for her.

Days passed since the incident, and it’s almost as if they silently resolved to continue like nothing happened. They fell back into their normal habits like early morning phone calls before work, unannounced FaceTime sessions with Luna, buying each other’s favorite latte on a whim, and the occasional lunchtime rendezvous in the cafeteria.

There was no denying it-life with each other was easy. It was kind of like the way the sun sets in the morning or the stars light up the night sky. It requires no thought. It just is because it was meant to be. Something about Max and Helen together, even as platonic friends, felt like it was meant to be.

They got each other. It took no painstaking effort or tireless thought for them to figure when the other was not okay. He’d search her eyes, watch the way the inner aspect of her brows would toss upward, or the way she would bite her bottom lip and instantly, he’d know that something was wrong. At first, he had to question if she was okay, when she would try to hide it. But Helen’s face often gave away when her mind was elsewhere.

In true Helen fashion, she initially resisted his advances. Helen was anything but easy. Little did she know that Max was anything but relenting. Especially after Muhammad died, she taught herself to do life alone. Then, unexpectedly, Max entered her life and began persisting, using his softness to will her to open up. Most of the walls she had built to fence her bruised heart, began falling when those blue-green eyes would stare straight into hers, almost searching her soul for answers. Inevitably, she became so comfortable with him that he needn’t ask too many questions. He would give her the look-the one that caused her to become undone under his attentive gaze-and she would instantly start pouring her heart.

******

Months ago, one of their nightly FaceTime calls turned into a therapy session. Max recounted how it felt to smell Georgia’s perfume on some woman in the elevator of his apartment building. 

_“The craziest thing happened to me today.”_

_“Oh yea? What?”_

_“I smelled her. Georgia. A woman in my apartment building had on the same Dior perfume she adored so much.”_

_Helen became silent and she just stared at him. She knew he was feeling better but she didn’t quite know how he would react. She searched his eyes and didn’t particularly find sadness in them. She saw...gratitude? Still, she couldn’t help but apologize._

_“I’m-I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be. I can’t control everything.”  
_

_When he really heard what he said, he paused a while, “Wait, can you believe I really just said that out loud?”_

_“I actually noticed but I was trying to hide what I really thought when you said it. You actually know and admit that! I’m proud of you,” Helen said with the biggest grin on her face.  
_

_If she were physically near him, she’d probably be annoying and squeeze his cheeks or pat his back in approval._

_“Okay, let’s move on because if you could, you’d stay on this moot point forever,” Max said trying to downplay the importance of his words._

_She chuckled because he spoke nothing but the truth._

_He continued, “And the truth is, I feel like that was just a reminder that she’s still here with me and Luna. Lu actually almost wanted to leap into the woman’s arms. I felt so embarrassed that I apologized. I guess all those bedtime Georgia stories I tell her and the scarf that still smells like her Dior perfume worked.”_

_“Not surprised that Lulu did that at all. She may not completely understand but she knows that Georgia was someone special to her.”_

_He could tell, by Helen’s face, that she wanted to say something else to him. He saw that she was overthinking._

_He looked at her and decided he wouldn’t say anything until she did._

_When the silence became too much she asked, “why are you so quiet?”_

_He smiled at her. “I should be asking you the same thing.”_

_“Nothing. I was just thinking about something.”_

_He looked at her intensely as though he was staring straight into her soul._

_She started shifting in her bed feeling like he could see actually see her-the vulnerable side she was trying to hide at the moment. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she asked, “Could you stop?”_

_“I’m not not doing anything.”_

_“You are!” she said pretending to be frustrated with him._

_“Okay.”_

_“Did you really have to say ‘okay’ like that?”_

_“Like what?” Max laughed fully cognizant of what he just did._

_“You know when you do that and talk in that tone of voice that I’m going to open up.”_

_“I literally did nothing,” Max feigned ignorance. He knew, to some extent, he had a hold on her and he used it to his advantage every single time. He just wanted her to lean on him and believe that he could actually bear her weight. In many ways, Helen still wanted to be the strong one._

_She sighed when she decided that she’d tell him what she was thinking about. Looking away from the camera and instead focusing on the lamp on her night stand, she said , “That happened to me before. The perfume thing. I remember how much I sobbed once I safely made it behind closed doors. The truth is, I don’t think I’d ever stop missing him. But it’s weird. I don’t miss him and get sad about it as much as I used to before. More than his absence, I feel so much gratitude that I got to experience love like that. Intense. Spontaneous. Real.”_

_She closed her eyes, envisioning the many times she spent with Muhammad laughing until her belly hurt or crying over how much she helplessly loved him._

_“I know what you mean. I’m not fully at the place where I don’t wish I had Georgia back. And if I’m honest, I don’t think I’d ever get there. I’d always want her back if given the option. I want Lu to have her mommy. But, given the circumstances, I feel like I’m so much better off than I used to be. I decide to take each day and every moment in stride. I don’t cry about it because I’m sad anymore. Lu needs me. I smile more than anything else when I recognize how much she’s still in our lives. I smile when I recognize how much love we’re both surrounded by. I’m so happy that I’ve got you to help me through all of it.”_

_“I’m so happy that you want me to be a part of all of it. You know I’m here whenever you need me.”_

_“And I’m here whenever you need me.”_

_Max paused, thinking about his next few words but deciding to say it anyway._

_“You know I can carry it right?”_

_“Carry what? My suitcase? Like you did the first day we met?”_

_“That suitcase was heavy. I could hardly believe that you’d only be gone for twenty four hours.”_

_She laughed closing her eyes and fully living in the moment. She always appreciated that when she was deflecting in the middle of a vulnerable moment, almost like she was drowning and needing to come up for air by making a joke, he’d go there with her. He’d come up to the surface, to take a deep breath with her, before becoming submerged again. Still, there were depths she traveled alone that he had yet to discover._

_“Your burdens. As much as you open up to me, you still try to shield me from things, thinking that you always need to be the stronger one. You don’t. This is a two way street. I need you but I’d like to think that you need me too.”_

_He scanned her face. He could tell by the way she cast her eyes downward and the smile fell from her face, that he spoke nothing but the truth._

_She fell silent. She didn’t expect him to say that to her. No one, since Muhammad, was ever able to call out her out on her lack of dependency in a relationship before. She wouldn’t allow anyone to get that close to her. She realized in that moment that she’d given Max so much access to her, that he could figure out some of the things that she tried to hide. Her gut reaction in a moment like this would be to retreat. She’d start building back up her walls when she saw that she had broken them down for someone. She didn’t want to get hurt again. When she was finally at that place with Muhammad, a place of complete vulnerability where there was absolutely nothing about her he didn’t know, she lost him. It made no sense, but she rationalized that when she allowed anyone to get that close to her, she’d lose them._

_She never forgot that Max was almost on his death bed almost two years ago. She never forgot how she literally held him on the incline in the atrium rubbing circles on his back as she saw him near the edge of the end. His cancer, though now in remission, was still always somewhere at the back of her mind. And there was this palpable fear, that if she got too close to Max, closer than she already was, she’d lose him. She just didn’t want to lose him._

_To hear him say those words and expose that part of her soul did something to her. Something that she didn’t want to explain to him. Not yet anyway. Or if she were honest, maybe not ever. She was aware that Max knew her better than anyone else on the planet but he hadn’t yet plunged the depths of her soul that Muhammad learnt to swim in._

_“Truth time?” she asked._

_It was a thing they developed early on in their friendship. Whenever they felt something that they didn’t want to be misunderstood, they’d express their truth honestly and openly._

_“Truth time,” Max responded guardedly._

_“The truth is, I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to open up like that.”_

_Max made a mental note that she didn’t use an absolute word like ‘never'. ‘Yet’ implied that she’d get there. It implied that he’d one day know those things that she still hides from him._

_“It’s okay. I’m patient. I’d wait for you.”_

_Just then Luna started crying calling out for him._

_He apologized to Helen and she excused him, ending their conversation._

_Honestly, she was so relieved for Lulu’s interruption. She didn’t even know what she’d say to his, ‘I’d wait for you.’_

_Max kept doing it-saying the right things. She knew his gentle persuasion was the key to unlock those parts of herself . Inevitably, she knew he’d learn to swim there. She knew she’d give him access. Somehow, there was a part of her that wanted to hide from him but still felt powerless to him all the same. It made no sense that a platonic friend like him could make her feel this way. She knew though, that he was just a friend to her. He was much more than that._

_******_

Laughter erupted as they sat across from each other at their biweekly lunch ‘date.’ They were laughing at Brantley’s face when Max insisted that the hospital fund Helen’s new research and the board agreed. Karen still wasn’t too fond of Max but deep down she respected him. The man never stopped trying and his dedication to his work was unmatched. 

“What does your afternoon schedule look like?” he asked once they settled.

“Um, I think I have a two o’clock appointment in the office and then I have a few chemotherapy regimens to plan for some of my new patients. Why’d you ask?”

“I was thinking about inviting you to dinner with Lu and I tonight. I’m making her favorite, spaghetti and meatballs. I told her what we’d be having for dinner and the next word out of her mouth was ‘Hewen.’ 

“God I love that kid. The fact that she struggles to say Helen still makes me laugh.” 

Max sat there waiting for an answer from her. 

“I don’t want to make any promises because I may get off work a bit late. What time is dinner?”

“Seven sharp!” he said enthusiastically giving her a wink because of his pun. 

“Oh God. It never ends with you, does it?” 

“Nope. Never.”

“I’d try to come. I’d text you later to let you know for sure.” 

“Don’t disappoint Lu. She wants to see her ‘Hewen’ tonight.”

“When you put it like that, you know there is a ninety nine percent chance I’d show up. I’d move heaven and earth to see Lulu’s face light up.”

“Well, whatever happens, I expect to see you at my place tonight. Seven sharp, Dr. Sharpe. Even if you’re late, I’m patient. I’d wait for you.”

“Sure thing Dr. Goodwin,” she said walking off in the direction of the oncology department. 

******

She had been to his apartment before but never for dinner. And certainly never by Lulu’s request. This was new, again. But she had patients to focus on and work to get done if she was ever going to make it to this date? Or whatever this was. 

  
  



	3. Misplaced But Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helen and Max have dinner. You get a glimpse of what their future could look like.

The afternoon seemed to be dragging along. She tried to focus on her work but truthfully, her mind was elsewhere. She kept going through different scenarios in her mind about how the night would pass. She thought about getting to his apartment and finding it lit with candles. Max holding her, pulling her in for a dance, her head resting on his chest. She imagined herself looking up at him, becoming lost in his blue eyes and then slowly, their lips meeting each other. She daydreamed that the night would end with mind-blowing sex and that her moans would be heard all throughout his apartment building. 

“Helen!”

She was still in a trance.

“Helen!” the person said a little louder.

“Good God she’s having an absence seizure! Nurse!”

“Jeez, do you have to be so dramatic?” Helen replied as she was pulled back into her present time and space.

“You had me scared for a moment there. Was it good?” Lauren asked.

“It was. I reached the part where I was moaning so loudly that the entire building could hear me,” Helen replied rather seriously. 

“You need to get laid already. How long has it been? Five years?” Lauren asked jokingly.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny. Not years but definitely too long. He isn’t helping me either.”

“You finally swiped right?” Lauren quipped.

“Gosh, I really don’t know how I put up with you.”

Realising she was deflecting, Lauren finally caught on.

“Helen Martha Sharpe! You were really just daydreaming about screwing Max?” Lauren asked with her mouth wide open and eyes staring at Helen in shock.

“Um, I don’t understand your theatrics. You literally told me not too long ago that you were going to make it your mission to get us together!” Helen said, seeming quite unbothered by how much Lauren was making it a big deal. 

“I know but I didn’t think you were using the critical time of your day to think about his hand up your thighs!”

“I don’t usually but my mind just kind of went there because-” she paused.

“Because? Helen? What aren’t you telling me?” Lauren inched closer to her as she spoke, becoming impatient. 

“Okay, sit down and behave yourself. I don’t need an Emmy winning performance from you, although you’ve already given me one.”

Lauren complied willingly-evidence that she just wanted to listen to the gossip. 

“I think he asked me on a-a date?” Helen said almost unsure of herself.

“It’s either he asked you on a date or he didn’t. You’re really a wimp when it comes to your love life. Where is the take-charge-and-make-things-happen-Helen?”

“That Helen is damn near non-existent around this version of Max. I have no problem standing up to him when he wants something from me that would jeopardize a patient. But when he does something stupid and apologises, I literally have to close my eyes because I can just feel my tough exterior crumbling when he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes. I hate this Lauren! Why does he do this to me? It’s those eyes and when he speaks in hushed tones. I _really_ hate him.” 

“It’s because you want him. I haven’t seen you this worked up over a man since-since Muhammad.”

Lauren quickly apologised when she saw the smile vanish from Helen’s face at the sound of his name. 

Muhammad was a topic that was off limits even in their close friendship. Helen never really liked talking about him. It was a part of her life that she preferred to keep private unless she wanted to willingly open up and share from. Lauren could see her going there-retreating again and closing off. 

“I didn’t mean to-”

“Hey, no it’s fine. You didn’t exactly lie,” Helen abruptly cut her off. 

Lauren was persistent. Not the Max kind of persistent but the Lauren kind. The kind that asked enough questions to get you to say things you wish you didn’t have to say but was glad to, after you said it. 

“Is it the same?”

Helen paused to give it some thought as if she didn’t already know the answer. She didn’t want Lauren to know how much she had thought about it. 

“Similar. It will never be the same.”

Bloom wanted to push a little harder but she knew that Helen probably wouldn’t budge. Seeing her friend like this over a guy, and having that guy be their boss, was equally amusing but heartwarming. She genuinely never saw Helen like this in years. Max brought out this side of her that had been dormant for so long. Her smile was reaching her eyes again and they were glowing whenever she was around him or spoke of him. Even if Helen hadn’t yet realized or maybe didn’t want to own it, she loved Max Goodwin. It was evident to Lauren but she secretly wished, that her best female friend would just allow herself to feel what wanted to penetrate her estranged heart. 

Sensing that their conversation was about to take an uncomfortable turn, Helen quickly decided to change the topic and focus on the real problem at hand, dinner at Max’s house.

“Okay, moving on to pressing matters. He asked me to drop by his loft for dinner tonight with him and Lulu.”

“Lulu,” Lauren repeated with a soft chuckle remembering the first time she heard Helen call Luna that. 

“You’ve been at his place how many times now?”

“Too many times.”

“So what made you think this is a date?”

“First of all it’s dinner with him and his child.”

“The child who adores you and practically talks about you all the time in her toddler gibberish?”

“But our whole dynamic is different now. And I just feel weird about the whole thing. I’m not prepared for it to get awkward. I’m not sure I’m ready for us to go there. I just have this feeling that we’d go there, you know?” 

“By _there_ you mean the mind blowing sex that would have his entire building hearing you while Lulu is asleep in the other room?” Lauren let out a sarcastic laugh.

Helen rolled her eyes, less than thrilled about how silly it seemed now that Lauren said it like that. 

“Helen, breathe. What if it doesn’t go _there_? What if this is just an innocent dinner that Luna invited you to? What if you really just eat and watch Moana afterwards? Stop being scared of a future that you know nothing about. Just relax. Go with the flow a little. Stop trying to prepare for everything. Just let it happen.”

Helen sat with her face in her hands ruminating on Lauren’s words. Finally, when it settled in her heart, she let out a big sigh of relief. In the years that she had known Lauren, Helen was always the more level headed of the two. Lauren was always the joker but even amidst all her messy theatrics, she spoke many truths to Helen in some of her most anxious moments. They had history-the good kind. Memories that you’d think about randomly, that would bring a smile to your face and fill you with so much gratitude that you could cross paths with someone like that. Before there was Max, there was Lauren. Even with Max, there’s still Lauren. Lauren had always been a constant in her life. Despite all the unpredictability that life hit them both with, they still managed to keep each other grounded and laughing. 

Lauren extended her arms and Helen walked toward her bashfully, finding an escape for her anxious fears within them. 

“You know I just want you to be happy right? But more than that, I just want you to take risks again. You always took risks before.”

“I know but I don’t know where to start,” Helen’s muffled words escaped her lips as her face was buried in Lauren’s chest.

“You can start by texting Max that you’re coming to dinner.”

“Okay. I will.”

Lauren laughed already knowing what would happen. 

“What?” Helen replied, letting go of her.

“I am not leaving until you do because I know you’d only talk yourself out of it.”

“I hate that you know me so well! Ugggh! Okay, here goes nothing ...or everything,” she whispered underneath her breath.

_3:15 p.m.Helen to Max_

_I’m coming to dinner. I’d bring the wine._

_3:16 p.m. Max to Helen_

_No wine. Only you.  
  
_

“Lauren! Do you see why I am anxious?!” Helen says exasperatedly.

“What’s the worst that could happen? You get laid? You can’t lose. What you need to do is go home and put on something a little sexy and get your butt over there. A very big butt might I add! Have I ever told you how much I like your buttt?” Lauren said smacking Helen’s behind and giving her a wink. 

******

She knocked on his door promptly at five minutes to seven with sweaty palms and a racing heart beat, barely able to hold the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon in her hands. She couldn’t even understand why she was acting like this. She had been to his place an infinite number of times before but something about this utterly scared her. Helen couldn’t stop overthinking the whole thing. The more she tried to use logic to drown out her anxious thoughts, the more anxious she felt. 

There were moments where Helen could guess what Max was thinking or be able to put his feelings into words. Then, he would do something completely out of pocket and leave her almost speechless. She was secretly hoping that tonight was not one of those times because she definitely wasn’t prepared for a “Max moment.” She just wanted this to be a casual dinner with two of her favorite people and that’s it. 

On the other side of the door she heard him yelling, “Coming!” 

He opened the door and her eyes were fixed on his apron that read: ‘World’s Best Dad’, something she gifted him with on Luna’s behalf for Father’s Day earlier that year. To see him wearing it so effortlessly warmed her heart. He twirled around, showing it to her from all angles. She couldn’t help but laugh at how silly he looked, bringing one hand to cover her face. She was practically blushing. 

Max was so many things but thoughtful, was definitely one of his top qualities that made Helen cherish him even more than she already did. He was constantly thinking of ways to help others. It was sometimes a double edged sword but if she were honest, she’d admit that she wouldn’t ever want to change that about him. Max was a charmer and he was working his way into Helen’s heart even if she wanted to resist him. He didn’t need to do too much. All he had to do was be himself, and that was shaping up to be enough for her. 

“Thanks for coming,” he said, pulling her into a hug and dropping a kiss on her cheek. 

“My pleasure.” 

“For you,” Helen said as she tried to hand him the wine.

“Didn’t I tell you to just bring yourself?” he asked while folding his arms.

“You did. But I also brought the wine, as promised. You know I like to keep my promises.”

“I’d have you know that you’re terrible at receiving gifts.”

“What? No, I’m not. I literally accepted a $15,000 handbag as a gift before.”

“The red one?”

“Yup, that’s the one. You actually remembered?” she asked looking at him confused. 

He trailed off, “you had on a red skirt that day. I think that was the day I told you that I needed you to be my doctor.”

He pretended to be unsure but he was certain, that was the day he stood mere inches away from her, staring her straight in her eyes so deeply that he almost saw her soul, asking her to be his doctor.

Helen just stared at him hoping that her face was not revealing any of what she was actually thinking. How did he even remember that? 

“Surprised?”

“What? Uh-no.” She could barely convince him with her words. 

“Liar,” he said jokingly, giving her a wink.

“I’d have you know that I remember things. Somehow, remembering things about you doesn’t require much effort from me.”

Breaking the awkward tension that was already at the surface, tiny steps were heard approaching them. Next, a loud “Hewen!” was heard from a blonde haired, blue eyed toddler.

Helen palmed off the bottle of wine to Max and used his body as a hiding place, peeking from one side of him, to the next, saying “boo!”each time. 

Luna was in a fit of laughter running from one side of her dad to the next, all in an effort to see where Helen was coming from. When Helen had enough, she jumped to the right of Max and Luna opened up her arms as a signal for Helen to lift her up. 

“Is that my favorite girl in the whole wide world?”

Luna managed to say yes through her convulsive giggles. 

“You missed me?”

Luna nodded signaling that she did, pretending to be shy all of a sudden. 

“But didn’t you see me yesterday?”

They FaceTimed each other the night before. Lulu always interrupts Max and Helen’s FaceTime sessions. She practically thinks Helen is her person and not her dad’s person. She’s entirely possessive of her. The connection they share is unmistakable. She doesn’t interact with her grandmothers, aunts, or any other female presence in her life the way she does with Helen.Though she’s never said it, she treats Helen like she’s her mom. Helen treats her as if that’s her child. 

“On phone.”

“Yes, we did speak on the phone yesterday. Anyway, Daddy told me you wanted me to come for dinner tonight. Did daddy tell the truth?” 

Luna shook her head from side to side practically outing Max.

Helen gasped. “He didn’t! Is daddy being naughty?”she asked squinting her eyes looking at Max. 

“Yes,” Luna said smiling. Max snuck up behind her tickingly her as her childlike giggles filled his loft. 

“Okay, enough play time. Let’s eat.”

Helen put her down and she grabbed onto her hand leading her to the cozy little corner table Max had set. Max placed Luna in her chair and Helen sat directly opposite him so he and Luna were within her view. Luna was mainly the focal point of dinner as she kept blabbering about her day at daycare using typical toddler words. 

Every so often, their eyes would find each other and in it they saw a familiar acknowledgement of home. This felt like home and normal. Something that Max was hoping for and Helen didn’t even realize she deeply needed and wanted. 

She didn’t feel like a stranger sitting at a table with him and his toddler. She felt like she was a part of their family, a welcomed part. All her nervousness was long forgotten when she saw the serenity in his eyes. He was at peace just being there but more than that she saw contentment. The Max she knew at work who was always on the run and hastily looking for things to do, was relaxed and completely zoned in to his child and her. It’s something she secretly wanted from him and she was witnessing it first hand. It was doing something to her. It was opening her up to the idea of Max and her, together. 

After an hour seated at the table, Luna began yawning incessantly-a sign that she was ready for bed. Helen kindly offered to clear the table and do the dishes so Max could put Luna down. He politely refused at first but after he and Helen went back and forth for five solid minutes, he conceded. He smiled to himself knowing that this would be a thing for them in the future. He was setting a dangerous precedent for Luna that he was strong but somehow weak for Helen Sharpe.

Before walking off with her dad, she walked over to Helen extending her arms toward her. Helen scooped her up and sat her in her lap as Luna rest her head on her chest. 

“Good night Lulu. Sweet dreams,” Helen said dropping a soft kiss on her forehead.

“Night Hewen. Wuv you, wuv moon, wuv dad,” Luna replied, becoming progressively drowsier with each word.

Helen held on to her and the familiar feeling of home was present again. There was a part of her that wished she could have this forever. She almost felt protective and possessive of it, as if it was always meant to belong to her. She forgot Max was there watching her. Instinctively, she swayed Luna in her arms from side to side as the little girl fell fast asleep in her arms. When she looked up, Max was staring at her with eyes that she would only assume mirrored hers. For a split second, she could’ve sworn that his eyes were glassy, as though he was fighting to hold back the tears. 

He cleared his throat and whispered to her, “let me take her from you. I’d put her to bed.”

“It’s not a problem. I can carry her.”

“No, I insist.” 

“Max, I’d carry her.”

After a moment, they looked at each other and just smiled in disbelief at the fact that they were having a silly argument about who had dibs on putting Luna down.

“Truce. We’d both do it. I don’t want her to wake up.”

“But first we need to get you to stand up without waking her.”

“I’d take her from you but we would both put her to bed.”

As Max lifted Luna out of Helen’s arms, she began stirring in her sleep. He gently placed her head on his shoulder, rubbing the back of her head up and down in an effort to soothe her back to sleep. Helen stood up and instinctively reached for Luna’s back rubbing circles on it to do the same. They could feel it-the familiarity, the longing, the comfort of being like this with each other. She dropped her hand and they walked off in the direction of Luna’s room, side by side. Helen waited by her door looking on, as Max put her down. 

It’s not that she was unaware of how good of a father Max was. She knew. She saw it early on when he’d have her strapped in her baby bjorn while carrying her baby bag well stocked with everything she could ever need. She saw how Luna would go to him and he’d have the baby wipes ready to blow her nose. She knew they shared daddy/daughter secrets and inside jokes that no one else would be able to pick up on. She just didn’t see herself as being a part of that, their family. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought it would always be Max and Luna. 

Lulu loved her and Helen loved her even more. But something about tonight felt almost life affirming. And all the excuses she had in her mind about why Max and her wouldn’t work just seemed to be vanishing with every passing moment. He could prioritize his family. He could be present and not be a slave to New Amsterdam. Lauren’s words about her fear of a future she didn’t know anything about kept replaying in her mind the moment her anxious thoughts of the possibility of losing him to cancer came up. She just had to decide if Max was worth the risk. Somehow, she was leaning in the direction that he was. 

“I’d say she’s out cold.”

“Sure looks that way,” Helen replied folding her arms to avoid her hand reaching to hold Max’s. 

“I’d clean up the table and then we could talk.”

“No. _We_ would both clean up the table and do the dishes. I’m not letting you do it alone and I won’t bother to entertain another silly argument about why I should do it alone,” Helen smiled looking at him.

“I’m not going to argue with you.”

“You’re not? Since when do you let me just have my way? I guess earlier taught you a lesson?”

“Oh you bet. Lu really saw her father cower in fear and I’m never forgetting it.”

“She was so tired that I doubt that she was paying us any mind.” 

They comfortably walked back and forth from the table to the kitchen in silence, placing all the dirty dishes on the counter. 

“Washing duty or drying duty? Choose one,” he suggested.

“Washing of course. That’s a no brainer.”

“Wait, why is it?”

“Well it’s only logical. I don’t know where to put the dishes when I dry them so I should wash them.”

“But I could just show you where to put them, for future reference.”

“What future?” she teased. 

He gasped pretending to be hurt at her denial that this wasn’t going to be them in the future-family dinners, putting sleeping children to bed and the like.

“I’m going to ignore what you just said. But seriously, I don’t want your dress to get wet.”

“Don’t worry about it. It only cost me $1000,” Helen said jokingly .

“Turn around.”

“What? Why? Are you secretly trying to check me out?”

He leaned into her ear and whispered, “just trust me.”

She hesitantly did as he asked and he brought his hand over her head placing the apron she gifted him with, on her. He pulled the two strings from beside her and slowly grazed his hands against her sides, bringing them together to fasten it. He intentionally took his time. She didn’t even flinch at his touch. He couldn’t see her face but her eyes were closed and she was attentive to the way he touched her. His touch only mirrored the way he spoke to her sometimes-tender and delicate. 

When he finished tying it in a neat bow, he whispered in her ear while his two hands settled on her waist, “all done.”

She turned around, giggling as she twirled in the apron so he could see her. 

“Like what you see?”

“Always,” he said as he took her in from head to toe.

“Okay, now let’s get to work.”

Helen washed the dishes faster than Max could put them away. He was too distracted watching her. He was busy memorizing her facial expressions and paying attention to the inflections in her voice. He watched how easy it was for her to multitask. She was paying attention to the dishes but somehow, she still managed to keep him interested by talking randomly about her day at work and her dad. She would momentarily look up, or call his name just to remind him that she was there and present with him. She washed each dish so carefully, focusing on every aspect making sure it was clean to her standard. 

He started realizing what was happening to him at that moment. He was actually falling in love with Helen while she stood in his apartment, in an apron and one thousand dollar dress washing dishes. One would think he was crazy and in years to come, he realized that this might be a boring and embarrassing story to tell. But it was happening to him. As he watched her, he realized that he really was falling and willfully opening up a part of himself that he had tucked away after Georgia’s death. 

It wasn’t the dishes or the way she did them. It wasn’t even what she had on. It was there, at the most random moment, he started remembering all the little things that led them to the present. Chance encounters when he first asked her for directions, their little back and forth on his first day of work, her holding his hand for his feeding tube, physically helping him up when he fell on the ramp, and coming to his dead wife’s rescue, the day she gave birth to Luna. At his lowest moments, Helen was there. He was realizing that so much of their relationship had been defined by hardship and her consistently showing up for him. In the almost two years that Georgia died, save for the time he pushed her away, she was always there. He wanted happiness now but he didn’t want that without Helen. She deserved to be the only one to ride the highs of life with him because she was there for every low. 

At one point, she looked up to find him staring.

“Max?”

“Uh, yea.”

“You’re staring.”

“Yea. I just got distracted.”

“Everything okay?”

“It’s great actually.”

“Want to tell me what you were thinking about?”

“You.”

She swallowed. The awkwardness was happening again.

“Me? You’re watching how meticulously I wash dishes, huh?”

“I did notice but it wasn’t that.”

“So what was it?”

“You’ve always been there for me.”

“Yea. Well I like to make good on my promises.”

“No but seriously. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Actually, I do know. I’d be, uh, dead,” he said letting out an awkward chuckle as the weight of the truth hit him.

“You’ve made living worth it for me Helen. There’s nothing I could ever do to repay you.” His voice was low and his eyes were intense, piercing her. He was serious.

She just kept staring at him, almost at a loss for words at his admission. She didn’t quite think about herself as being the reason he was still alive. More than that, she didn’t realize she was one of the reasons he wanted to still keep living. 

“Uh, you don’t have to repay me. Everything I’ve ever done for you, I did because I wanted to. I’m just glad you’re here and you have a chance to be the great dad you are to Luna. I’m happy I could’ve helped in some small way to give you that.”

“You really like to downplay things,” Max said scoffing at her using the word ‘small’ to describe her role in his life.

“Wait, what? I didn’t downplay anything.”

“You can toot your horn Sharpe. It’s not like I don’t know you have a little arrogance under all that.”

“How about I toot this?” she said as she splashed the soapy water in his direction laughing at the pure shock all over his face as he watched his soaked shirt. 

“You did not just do that!”

“I did. So much for playing small, right?”

Seeing the mischievous grin all over his face, Helen began backing away from him, knowing he was about to do something terrible to her. 

He stopped by the sink, filling a bowl with water.

“Max, don’t even think about it.”

She continued to back away from him slowly, completely oblivious to anything in her path. 

“Think about what? Soaking you down like you just did to me?”

Helen began bargaining with him. 

“In all fairness, I didn’t fill a bowl with water to wet you and I was genuinely joking.”

Just then, Max looked down and saw one of Luna’s toys behind her. Before he could caution her to look down, she had already tripped over it and was on the floor, holding her ankle. All bets were off. There was no way he’d drench her in water now. He placed the bowl of water down and rushed to her side to see if she was okay. 

“Hey, let me see it.”

“I’m fine,” she said, trying to again downplay the fact that she was in terrible pain. 

“You’re doing it again by the way. You’re not fine and your ankle is red and getting swollen. Let me help you,” Max said sternly resolving to not take Helen’s dismissal as an excuse.

“Okay,” she said softly, completely surprised by how frustrated he sounded with her. 

He picked her up in his arms and walked her over to the couch before retiring to the kitchen and bathroom to get ice, locate his first aid kit with crepe bandage and get some pain medication. 

He caught her grimacing in pain while he watched her from the kitchen. When she saw him, on his way back, her facial expression quickly changed. She didn’t want him to know how much it hurt her. She was doing it again, hiding her feelings from him, still preferring to be the strong one. 

“Take two. It will help with the pain,” Max said holding out the ibuprofen and a glass of water for her.

She opened her mouth to protest but when she saw his face, she knew she didn’t stand a chance. This was a new side to Max. Usually, he’d cave, but every time she seemed to want something that he thought would be detrimental to her, all her arguments would be null and void. He was fiercely protective of her even when she didn’t think she needed protection or to be taken care of. 

She swallowed the tablets still taking him in. He took her left foot in his lap and began rubbing ice all over it. He pressed lightly by the site of injury and she squealed in pain. 

“Oh so it does hurt? I thought you were fine?” he asked sarcastically.

“Stop. It hurts okay. It hurts,” she said exasperated.

“The ibuprofen would kick in soon. Just let me wrap it. Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation. Yes?”

“Yup. R.I.C.E.,” Helen replied, instantly understanding his doctor lingo.

He took his time as he gently massaged under her feet. Helen began shifting in her seat because she secretly had a thing for foot rubs-something only her dead fiancé knew. Max passed his fingers all between her toes, finding all her pressure points on the soles of her feet. She could instantly feel herself relaxing at his touch. He was delicate. As she sat there, so many thoughts raced through her mind. She could hardly believe that he was turning out to be better than she thought he was. For a split second, she had to convince herself that he was actually a real person. He interrupted her train of thought. 

“You know, I have this thing I do with Lu when she falls. She finds me and shows me the body part that’s hurting and asks me to kiss it. When I do, she says the pain goes away.”

“Are you trying to ask me if I want you to kiss my jacked up ankle Max Goodwin?” Helen asked amused.

“I’m just telling you that I have magic lips that make pain disappear. My daughter swears by it.” 

“I’m in so much pain I’d take anything I can get.”

“I’m kind of loving this honesty thing we’ve got going here. Who knew it would take a toy to allow you to let me help you? ”

Helen playfully smacked his hand. 

“Just kiss it already. I just want to see if this works.”

He gently lifted her foot, looked at her dead in her eyes and kissed her foot as she smiled watching him.

“All done. Did my magic kiss work?”

“Let me see.” 

Helen closed her eyes, focusing all her energy on her left foot. She furrowed her eyebrow in confusion then a smile escaped her lips.

“I think your lips really are magic,” she said, shooting him a wink. 

“Told you!”

She rolled her eyes at his arrogance! She’d never let him know that it actually didn’t work and she was still in a tremendous amount of pain. She was way past the innocence of childhood to believe in kisses to heal pain.

He fell silent. Thinking carefully about his next few words. 

“I-uh-I don’t think you can walk to catch an Uber with your foot. Luna’s already asleep so it’d be a task to drive you home. I’d have to wake her.”

“It’s fine,” Helen blurted out, already sensing where it was going.

“So, I think you’re staying here tonight. No objections although you’re already trying to object. I have a spare bedroom. I’d take you there.”

“Max, I-” His finger on her lips silenced her. 

He scooped her up in his arms, unwilling to entertain another word about her justification for not needing to spend the night. As he walked her to the bedroom, she looked up at him, her lips mere inches away from his, “thank you,” she whispered. 

It was genuine and she didn’t overthink it. She was grateful that he was so willing to do this for her. It had been so long since she allowed someone to just take care of her or find herself securely in another man’s arms. It felt good. Max Goodwin’s arms felt like a place her body was made to fit securely into. His eyes weren’t her only home. His arms were too. If she were honest, she hoped that one day, she’d be able to say the same about his heart. 

“It’s the least I could do,” he said in earnest. 

She closed her eyes, rested her head on his chest, lulled by the sound of his heartbeat. He was plunging the depths and learning to swim in a place only Muhammad knew.

He smiled, silently thanking the universe for Luna’s misplaced toy. He got to take care of her and even if she didn’t realize it or wouldn’t admit it, he was one one step closer to winning her over, completely. 

  
  
  



	4. Unwelcome Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone shows up and their presence will change a lot of things for Max and Helen. I should say that this chapter takes place weeks after Helen’s ankle sprain. They’re back to their normal selves, never mentioning anything about their little dinner that allegedly wasn’t a date.

They had done this dance so many times before. Moving in sync so well that they could predict the other’s next move but somehow, they still took missteps, tripping over each other and instead, ending up more wounded than before. For every win, there seemed to be more losses and some days, they both questioned if this-them, together-would be worth it.

She paced through the corridors not even bothering to make eye contact with anyone around her. She was focused. She knew what today was and anything she could do to lighten the load she already had to carry would only make it easier. He spotted her from a distance. How could he miss the way her hips swayed from left to right in that white coat? The sound of her heels hitting the floors of the hospital seemed to be louder than the voices around them. Maybe he just had eyes and ears only for her. In a crowded room, he’d easily find her- he’d smell her Chanel perfume, hear her thick British accent and look around frantically just so he could lay his eyes upon her. He ran from where he was seated and breathlessly caught up to her. As soon as he picked up with her stride, he started rambling at the mouth expecting their interaction to be the same as it was just yesterday.

“Good morning, person!” he said enthusiastically.

One thing was certain, Max Goodwin was a morning person. Helen Sharpe, not so much. When she didn’t reply or even acknowledge his presence by looking in his direction, it only caused him to try a little harder. He wasn’t one to take a hint.

“You know pretending that I’m not here won’t change the fact that I am. I tried FaceTiming you last night and you didn’t pick up. I texted you and you didn’t answer. Were you sick? Had a hot date you didn’t tell me about? You know you can tell me about your hot dates right? Although I’m inclined to think that anybody that isn’t, you know, tall, brunette or witty isn’t exactly hot.” 

He did it. He finally got her to stop. She was almost disgusted at him asking her about her dating life. It’s as if he pretends to be unaware that she wants him badly. There is no way he misses the way she looks at him. You know that look you give someone you love when they’re talking about the most random thing in the world, and you find yourself so enamored with just the sound of the voice or the way their eyes light up that you helplessly stare at them and thank whatever Deity created them? Yea, that’s how she looked at him. Except when he was being an idiot like today of all days. It was crazy that they could be on the same page, same paragraph and word and then other moments Max could be so out of touch with her reality. She scanned his body up and down, tilted her head back while he waited with bated breath for her response.

“Not today Max. Any day but not today,” she said seriously before walking off, not waiting to see his reaction.

He furrowed his brows in confusion and tried to replay the events of the last few minutes over and over in his head. What did he possibly do wrong? They interacted like that all the time. They made jokes about each other’s non existent dating life practically every day. In the years he had known her, he was always the cold one, the cause of all their arguments. Helen was quite literally so perfect sometimes that there were moments he felt like he didn’t quite deserve her. If he thought long and hard, he’d probably be able to come up with a thousand reasons why she deserved better than him. But he couldn’t deny that he wanted her for the entirely selfish reason that she made him a better person.

He was never more in love with the person he was because of what her love did to him. I mean, she never explicitly said that she loved him but he could feel it. He would like to think that although he was overbearing, sometimes funny but most times kindhearted, some of his benevolence and optimism rubbed off on her too. But today, she was so impersonal and so unlike herself, that he didn’t quite know how to process it. He thought about running after her but decided against it. Instead, he resolved to focus his energy on the ridiculous number of meetings he had today but made a mental note to check up on her at some point during the day. 

******

Armed with his secret weapon, he entered the elevator with a plan of action. He just couldn’t leave it alone. Leave her alone. He spent all day trying to focus on administrative work and managed to come up with some outlandish ideas to solve patients’ needs. He got the plumbing issue in the neurosurgery wing solved. He got the Board to approve more healthy meals for people who were purchasing items from the cafeteria. He even managed to organize one hundred new ventilators for the ICU. He had a good work day and felt completely accomplished as the medical director. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he kept switching to his default setting-thinking about Helen and how he could make her happy again. He had to fix it. Sometimes he wondered why he didn’t become a plumber or something. At the very least, a surgeon. This innate desire he had to solve issues was probably the best and worst thing about him. He wore other people’s burdens as if they were his own. That’s why his marriage became so fraught in the first place. He struggled to separate work from home, patient from spouse and put his wife’s needs above anyone else’s. But his mistakes, not the ones he made every couple of months, the daily mistakes he made with Georgia, prepared him for Helen. It sucks that Georgia may have seemed like a guinea pig of sorts because she certainly wasn’t. 

He didn’t know how to do marriage right because he was never married before. He knew how to be single and make decisions that didn’t need approval from anyone else. It’s crazy because when he thought he was being the most selfless, there was someone thinking he was the most selfish person on the planet when they didn’t come first. At least he got one thing right and that was the blonde haired, blue eyed girl holding his hand while she reached to press the buttons in the lift.

“Luna, stop! You’re going to spoil it,” he said sternly but she ignored him.

She really had his stubbornness. He loved it but equally despised it when it didn’t serve him. She continued, using her little fingers to press the buttons at random, not even knowing what they were meant for. He gave up eventually because there was no way he was going to get her to listen to him. She was cranky and probably sleepy anyway. It was his fault for asking her sitter to drop her off when he knew it was her nap time. But he needed to cheer up his favorite person and Luna would be just the person to do it. 

The elevator door opened and just as the person in front of him was about to get on, Luna pressed the button for the door to close. Thankfully, Max caught on and managed to re-open the doors before they squeezed the short but well dressed lady who was now beside him. She looked down at the child and then up at Max before making her comment.

“Little girls ought to be more disciplined than that. Lifts are filthy. I hope you have some hand sanitizer at your disposal to clean her hands.”

Her accent was British and posh. Certainly not of the Cockney variety at all but he could tell that she was definitely from London. She literally spoke like Queen Elizabeth herself. She had on, what he would assume, were expensive kitten heels. When he looked a little closer, he saw the red bottoms and knew he was right. Making an association between red bottoms and expensive was all his blue scrub and sneaker wearing behind could understand. Her tiny purse that she wore comfortably on her wrist had a fancy gold plated capital H as a buckle. Her nails were well done in a shade of red that he never saw before. He was sure Helen would be able to tell him the name if he asked her. Her hair was white and slicked back perfectly in a low set bun. Her skin was caramel and so taut that he’d never be able to guess her age if not for the silver hairs on her head or the wrinkles on her hands. She looked good, for whatever age she was. Still good felt like an insufficient adjective to describe the beauty of this woman. Her presence was strong and all of a sudden he felt so small standing next to her five foot frame.

He cleared his throat before apologizing for Luna’s bad behavior.

“I’m sorry about that. You know, toddlers. They can be a lot sometimes.”

He tried to use his old charm on her but she looked at him like she had no idea what he was talking about. He tried to make small talk. He wouldn’t be Max if he didn’t.

“You, uh, have any kids?”

She shot him a look that said “Piss off!” He was surprised when she softened up after a few seconds and a smile formed to the corner of her lips.

“One. A girl, just like you have.” 

“Ah, I see. So we have something in common. Girls are the best, aren’t they?”

He said it confidently as if he had any experience with fathering a boy child. Just by the expression on her face, he could tell she didn’t completely buy in to what he was saying. She didn’t want to air out her dirty laundry to a complete stranger because that certainly would be in poor taste.

Still, she countered, “Not mine. We have a very tenuous relationship. She’s a daddy’s girl. Something I had to deal with my entire life. I always came second to him. That’s why I had to fly all the way from London to see her for the first time in years. I’m trying to surprise her. She’s too busy trying to save lives to care about her mother’s own.”

He could see that it bothered her though she tried to wear a brave face as she spoke those words. Deep down, he knew how much it probably took for this woman to board a plane and sit through an eight to ten hour flight just to lay eyes upon her estranged daughter. She may not have realized it, or even cared to admit it, but it’s obvious that she loved her daughter. 

Max didn’t quite know what to say. Luna was a daddy’s girl too but she actually had no choice. He didn’t want to make the conversation heavier with the weight of the truth that he was a widow. This woman didn’t need to know that and maybe she wouldn’t even care. She seemed to be more hurt about her daughter’s absence from her life. He knew that there were two sides to every story but he genuinely felt sorry for the woman. No one deserved to feel estranged from their family. Still, his response almost felt instinctive and he couldn’t even understand why he was being so protective of her daughter.

“I’m sure your daughter loves you. This job pulls us away from the people we love the most sometimes. I hope she’s happy to see you. Speaking of which, do you know which floor you’re getting off on? I don’t think you pressed anything when you got in.”

“I looked at the numbers when I got in. We’re going to the same place. The eleventh floor,” she said, not even realizing that she was right.

The elevator dinged and as soon as its doors opened, Luna was already grabbing her dad’s hand to lead him to her favorite person. She knew the way to Helen’s office like the back of her hand. She frequented it ever since she was a baby, strapped to her father’s chest. Luna didn’t need to go very far because Helen was standing at the receptionist’s desk signing paperwork on a clipboard. She was so focused and looked so distant-completely opposite to the enthusiastic person he knew. She wasn’t even interacting with Colleen, the receptionist, as she typically would. He knew something was very wrong with her and he hoped that she’d tell him so he could stop beating himself up over it. 

She let go of her dad’s hand upon the sight of her and ran toward her grabbing on to her leg tightly. Luna startled her and a sound of horror escaped Helen’s lips. When she looked down and saw those bright blue eyes staring back at her, relief washed over her. Immediately, she forgot what she was doing and hoisted the toddler up in her arms. Her smile was instant, just at the sight of Luna. Max knew that his secret weapon had worked. Even if Helen was mad at him, there was no way she’d be angry at his child. 

“Gosh, I feel like you gained some jelly bean weight since I last saw you. You ate all the candy I bought you?”

Luna shook her head ashamedly admitting that Helen was right.

“Oh my gosh, you did not! I’m sure daddy hates me for doing that! You probably didn’t sleep very much last night, did you?”

She shook her head again instead of using her words.

“Why are you so quiet? Are you sleepy? Did you get to take a nap today?”

She sounded concerned when Luna didn’t behave like herself. Luna rested her head on her shoulder, nuzzling her face into Helen’s neck as Helen rubbed circles on her back. Helen’s arms always seemed to be one of the few places Luna felt safe in. She would easily fall asleep in them, completely oblivious to the cares that Helen may have been carrying. Max looked on and couldn’t help but smile to himself. The sight before him, no matter how many times he had seen it, never seemed to grow old for him. Whenever he doubted their relationship and questioned whether they would ever work out if they were to become anything more than friends, Luna served as a reminder that they could actually thrive romantically. She already fit into what would appear to be a completely awkward and crazy situation if one were looking on from the outside at them. But they were in it and living it, finding order in their chaos and realizing that even though none of this would be easy, they wanted to do life with each other. If only they would be brave enough to just let go of their reservations and tell each other how they feel. 

As she spun around to whisper a ‘thank you’ to Max, and give him the first smile he had gotten from her all day, her eyes fell on her. Margaret was motionless taking in the sight before her. No one would be able to tell what she was thinking because she wore a blank expression on her face. But her eyes were glassy, just on the verge of her tears escaping her eyelids. Instantly, Max averted his gaze to see what made Helen lose her smile so easily and then he realized what was happening. As fast as the thought came, all he heard escape her lips was, “Mom?” 


	5. Healing Hearts and Broken Parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reason behind Margaret and Helen's tenuous relationship is exposed.

Somehow she always believed that little girls would love their moms-especially if that little girl was an only child. That love would make them inseparable. That Helen would run to her and tell her all of her deepest and darkest secrets. If ever she was having a bad day, she’d be the first one she’d call. If ever she had good news, she’d seek her out. Margaret expected the entire world when she held her newborn babe in her hands that March. 

But life doesn’t always turn out the way we want it to.

You can have an idea of who you’d want your child to be and maybe you’d try to push them in the direction of your dreams. Eventually, you’d have to realize that you have to let them go and be who they want to be. You’d have to give them the space they need to discover who they are on their own terms and live life by their own rules.

She was never able to do it. To let go. She didn't know how. 

Helen and Charles-her husband and Helen’s dad-was all Margaret had. She was the first person she’d think of when she got up and the last person on her mind when she went to bed. It was especially hard, when they hadn’t seen each other in years. 

But there’s always a reason for distance despite how hurtful it may seem. 

******

Max kept bouncing his eyes back and forth between Helen and her mother. He was standing off to the side but still felt like he was caught in the middle of the awkwardness unraveling before his eyes. He heard about Margaret before but never knew what she looked like. Helen just managed to say that her mom was overbearing, consistently sparing him the details. He never probed because the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel like she was forced to share the things she preferred to stay hidden. She told him she wasn’t ready yet to be so vulnerable and he understood. She was like a Mimosa Pudica. Once anyone tried to touch those delicate parts of her, she’d immediately close up. Margaret was definitely one of those parts.

He could see her wheels churning, trying to figure out how to navigate the situation in front of her. Even as she stared at her mom, she continued to rub circles on Luna’s back holding her close, almost using her as a shield for her heart to dodge Margaret’s inevitable weapons. Helen could see the judgment in her mother’s eyes as she assessed the situation before her. She knew Margaret had questions about the child in her arms that she was being too affectionate with that looked nothing like her. She knew she’d give her unsolicited opinion about her playing house with a man who she clearly wasn’t married to, given the absence of a ring on her left hand or his.

She was suddenly regretting her mother hearing the name ‘Max’ before. She never quite told her the details but she was sometimes around when Helen would FaceTime Charles and he’d ask her about that insufferable boss of hers that drove her crazy at times. Margaret always suspected that there was something there but she knew Helen would never openly confide in her about her relationship with Max. Her mom would never understand the complexity of it.

She was preparing for it. Building up a fortress in her mind to keep her mother’s harsh opinions out. Honestly, she kept thinking about how ill timed her mom’s presence was. She already had her reservations about diving head first into a romantic relationship with Max. Margaret’s disapproval was only going to make her second guess even more. As much as Helen would like to believe that she was immune to her mother’s judgment, she knew better. Her mother knew exactly how to get underneath her skin in a way that no one else was ever able to. Her dad accidentally letting it slip last night that Margaret was on a flight to New York still didn’t feel like enough preparation to deal with what was about to happen. All the years of therapy she went to was literally about to come into full practice. 

******

Feeling the tension rising, Max decided to just break the ice and walk right up to Margaret, extending his hand toward her. He didn’t even wait for an introduction. Helen was slowly dying inside, looking at him boldly approaching her mom like that. She was prepared for some offhand comment to come out of her mouth that she’d have to apologize to Max later for.

“Hi, we just met. You know, in the elevator. I’m Max Goodwin, Helen’s handsome friend. That’s my daughter Luna. You must be Margaret, Helen’s gorgeous mom,” he said, shooting her a wink. 

Max was so damn pretentious, bold-faced and just downright crazy. He was fearless. Not even considering that Margaret was already sizing him up, building an opinion about him. 

Margaret watched him up and down taking in his appearance. She set her gaze firstly on his perfectly coiffed hair. Then at his blue eyes with hints of green that were visible depending on which angle you viewed his iris from. She watched his clothing and couldn’t get past how drab he looked in his blue scrubs and then those shoes. His trainers seemed so dirty for someone with such a good job. She didn’t miss the badge he was sporting that indicated he was the Medical Director of the hospital. When she felt like she formed a good opinion of him, she decided to play along, stretching her hand toward him as a sign that she came in peace. 

“Max, nice to meet you. Helen has told me nothing about you,” she said, shooting Helen a disappointed look.

Helen rolled her eyes in disapproval that her mother could even think she deserved to know any details of her love life. They walked that road before and there wasn’t a day that Helen didn’t regret Margaret knowing Muhammad. They spoke to each other far less than she spoke to her dad. Their conversations were cordial, mostly but never intimate. Helen knew Margaret long enough to know that the less she knew, the better. 

Max knew better than to make that an issue. He’d be more concerned if Charles knew nothing of him. The truth is, Charles knew everything about him and he had never even met the man. Helen’s multiple FaceTime sessions with her dad each week, often started with pleasantries and would somehow eventually end up in a full blown conversation about Max Godowin-her annoying boss, colleague, friend and former patient. He never missed the way she’d speak about him. He only saw her that happy with one other person in her entire life-Muhammad. He knew she loved Max. But he also knew why she was still holding back. He never made her aware that he figured it out. He always hoped that she’d one day give love a chance again to penetrate the walls she was still guarding her heart behind.   
  
“So you’re the Medical Director of this very prestigious institution? I’m impressed,” she said, not meaning it as a compliment. She couldn’t understand how someone with such an esteemed job could dress like that. 

“Uh, I am. Someone was crazy enough to hire me to run this place,” he said, as he used his finger to scratch his brow. He wasn’t one to openly mention his achievements.

“Your daughter is my deputy actually. I sort of convinced her to take the job. Now she loves it. I won’t be able to do any of this without her. She’s the reason I’m still alive,” Max said smiling at Helen who couldn’t even help but smile back at him. But the smile was forced. Margaret already knew too much. She had enough ammunition to aim at Helen to hurt her just enough. 

Margaret didn’t miss their exchange. She knew their relationship was way more than a professional one.

“Glad to know you have such an influence on her Max. She’s not easily persuaded,” she said with a hint of jealousy in her voice. She wished she had that hold on Helen-the one where she could get her to do whatever she wanted her to.

Margaret was done with the pleasantries. She really just wanted to talk to her daughter. 

“Helen, are you going to show me to your office?” Margaret asked, waiting for an invitation into Helen’s space just so she could consume everything as she typically did.

Helen didn’t even really think about telling her mom no. There was no way that she could when she had already flown all the way from London to see her. She had to entertain her request, at least until the moment she would say something that hurt her.

“Lulu, I have something really important to do, okay?” Helen said, looking at a visibly upset Luna in her hands. 

“I promise I’d make it up to you.”

Helen’s promise only appeased her a little. 

“Later?” Luna responded, still wanting more time with Helen.

“Cross my heart,” she said as she dropped a kiss on her cheek and put Luna down. 

Max walked over to her and whispered in her ear, “We’d catch up later?”

“Yea sure,” she replied, already knowing that there was a ninety nine percent chance she wouldn’t be in the mood later and would blow him off.

He dropped a kiss on her head, not even overthinking his open display of affection in front of the staff and Helen’s mom. When he scanned her face, he could tell she was uncomfortable but he knew he needed to give her space to deal with whatever was going on. He just wanted to hold her, and tell her everything would be okay. He wanted to support her but he knew that whatever she and her mom had going on, was something Helen had to deal with on her own. 

He walked off with Luna, trying to convince himself not to look back at Helen. He had never once seen her that off kilter before, fighting to not wear her heart on her sleeve. Margaret was clearly a sore spot for her-more than he realized until that moment. 

******

They walked to her office in silence. Margaret hadn’t been to the Dam in years-not since Muhammad was alive. She took the opportunity to scrutinize everything- where her new office was situated, how clean/dirty the environment was, the decor of her office space. It brought back some memories.

“I can’t believe you still work at this place,” Margaret said. Helen knew what she was getting at. It took no time for her to bring it up.

“This is home,” Helen shot back.

“It wasn’t supposed to be. You were supposed to move back to London after you were married. Give your dad and I grandbabies that we could see at our convenience,” Margaret said with a disappointed look on her face.

“You can thank life for messing all that up,” Helen retorted with bitterness evident in her voice.

Margaret tried to close the distance between them before saying, “You can still come home. Dad and I miss you. I really miss you. I had to take a flight to New York praying the entire time for the good Lord to guide the hands of that pilot and not have that plane crash with me in it before I saw my only daughter for the first time in years. Just come home.”

“Mom, we’ve been through this before. You know exactly why I won’t come home,” Helen said unloosing herself from her mother’s grip.

“Yes, I’m overbearing. I’m a lot to handle. I’m judgmental. I’m condescending. What do you want from me?” Margaret shouted as Helen hit a nerve with her words.

“That’s not the only reason and you know that. Quit acting like you don’t know the whole truth,” Helen said plainly, trying her hardest to keep her emotions at bay.

“You know you always do this. You always try to be pitied in a situation and completely absolved from taking responsibility for the things you have said and done. I’m so over it!” Helen said exasperatedly.

Margaret couldn’t even help it. The tears just started flowing. She wanted to try harder to repair the cracks in their relationship but she knew it would be hard getting through to Helen. When Muhammad was alive, he managed to be the buffer between Helen and her mom. They had less arguments and there seemed to be mutual respect and understanding between them. Maybe it was the fact that there was an ocean separating them or that Helen was mastering the art of enforcing the right kind of boundaries to keep Margaret in place. But his death only caused the real Margaret to come right back out.

It took years and so much therapy for Helen to get over it. To get over what she said to her after he died. She thought it was enough that she had forgiven her and that she still managed to carve out a few minutes in her week to speak to her mom. But clearly, it wasn’t enough. Nothing she could ever do would be enough for Margaret if it wasn’t what she wanted her to do.

“I’m sorry,” Margaret said, dropping her hands at her sides in defeat. She said it so many times before but it never seemed to be enough.

Her voice softened with sincerity. “I’ve said it to you so many times before Helen and you said that you forgave me but you’ve never let me get close to you like I was when he was alive.”

“Why should I? I was just supposed to get over it, right? That’s what you said to me when you visited me a few months after he died and I couldn’t even get out of bed. When I would wake up every morning and see my wedding dress hanging in the closet or go to the bathroom and see his toothbrush right there next to mine. Or open the closet and see his clothes hanging there and I couldn’t even think straight to walk past it and get my clothes to put on and go to work. I was just supposed to get over it. Get over losing him so suddenly days before our wedding when we already paid for the entire thing and all our friends from New York had already RSVPd to the ceremony. I was just supposed to get over it when we already bought a house in London and booked our one way tickets and were already furnishing our home there? Sure mom, I should’ve just gotten over it,” she said, raising her voice. She was panting for breath after the words came out, looking at her mother dead in her eyes, with the pain she had pushed so far down simmering at the surface. 

She really thought she was over it. Losing Muhammad. Forgiving her mom for her insensitivity. But seeing Margaret face to face was like pouring salt on a fresh wound. She was reliving it all over again. She wasn’t lying when she told Max that she didn’t miss Muhammad and get sad over it anymore. She was being honest because that’s what she actually believed. As long as she didn’t have to interact with Margaret long enough, she could forget the pain that she caused. She was grateful for what she and Muhammad had but their story wasn’t always sunshine and roses. There was pain there. It wasn’t just grief. Helen didn’t just lose one person when she lost Muhammad. She lost two.

Margaret was speechless-something that happened rarely. She didn’t quite know what she could say to make it better or to justify her actions but she was so tired of the distance between them. She was so fed up with Helen preferring to empty her heart to her dad and not her. She had to say something. If this time with Helen was all she had, then she had to make the most of it and just say everything she should’ve said a long time ago, in person.

“I’m sorry for what I did and I will admit that I was wrong. I was wrong to say what I did. I know apologies aren't enough and don't automatically undo the pain. All I’ve ever wanted was the best for you. It wrecked me to see you like that after he died. I never once saw you like that in my entire life. I remember calling Charles frantically after I entered your apartment and saw things scattered all over.” She paused to wipe the tears that were helplessly escaping the security of her eyelids.

After clearing her throat, she continued, “You scared me! Seeing you so broken absolutely scared me. I wanted you to get better. Instead of empathizing with your pain it just came out wrong. You didn’t deserve that Hel.”

She called her Hel-something she hadn’t said since she was a child. Margaret was so insistent on formality that she stopped calling Helen by her nickname when she gravitated more toward her father as their relationship became more tenuous. 

“You deserved me being the mum I always wanted to be.You deserved me holding you and telling you that you’d be alright after he died and that you’d bounce back. I’d be damned if I see you go through that again.”

She was serious. The last thing wanted was for her daughter to relive that kind of pain, losing someone that she thought she’d have for a lifetime.

Helen was staring at her, baffled by her vulnerability and honesty. She never quite saw things the way her mom did. For years she just believed she was blind to the fact that maybe her mom did have good intentions. She couldn’t get past her wrong and hurtful actions though. Maybe this was repairing something broken between them, building a bridge back to each other that they both allowed to remain demolished.

“One apology won’t fix it mom,” Helen said as a matter of fact. She never knew how to ignore facts regardless of what she felt. She was level headed in that way.

“I know it won’t Hel. I know it’s going to take work and lots of it but I am here and I’m willing to try. I want to show you that I can do better and be better,” Margaret said, reaching out for her.

It had been years since they touched each other, much less hugged each other. She was hesitant at first but when she stopped overthinking it and pushed herself in the direction of her mom's arms, it happened. The moment Helen dropped her head on her mom’s shoulders she broke, in a million pieces. She was crying so hard that she couldn’t even catch her breath. It was agonizing to be held by the one person she thought would understand her grief but didn’t. People could probably hear her on the other side of her office door but she didn’t care. She needed this although she was scared of it and avoided it for years.

She may have looked put together on the outside but there was so much that people couldn’t see-not even Max. She knew how to hide pain well. She could dress it up with makeup and clothes, a warm smile and good advice. It didn’t mean she wasn’t suffering in her own way but still managing to get by everyday and survive.

After she released a lot of the things she was bottling up, she lifted her head off of her mom’s shoulders and Magaret held her face in her hands.

“I want you to find love again. But I don’t ever want to see you lose someone like that again. I won’t be able to stand it. I know you’re strong but you don’t need to live through that kind of pain again.”

Margaret didn’t know the details about Max. She didn’t know he had cancer and Helen helped saved his life. She did see as clear as day that her daughter loved him. She saw that look before. It was the way she would steal glances at Muhammad. She didn’t even know that she was watering a seed that was planted in Helen’s mind a long time ago. Helen didn’t want to lose Max-not back then, not now and not ever. And maybe she’d never have to live through that pain again if she kept him as a friend.

"I thought you came here to hurt me," Helen said, bearing her heart on full display for her mom to see.

"Hurt you? I've done that enough. I came here to heal those parts of you that I hurt over the years."

******

He called her later that night. He tried texting, FaceTime and even blew up her DMs on social media. She never answered. She already made up her mind. Margaret _did_ have the power to persuade her. Remembering the pain, Helen decided that she wouldn’t live through that again. She knew she wouldn’t ever get over losing Max if they became romantically involved, so she did what she knew to do, walk away to protect what little of herself she had left. 


	6. She’s Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max learns the truth from an unlikely source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it’s Christmas in May and I’m giving you gifts! Here’s two chapters in the same week for making you wait so long.

He barged into the office not really thinking straight. He had a lot of his mind. He needed to just vent. Everything suddenly changed and he had no idea why. I mean, he could guess it had _something_ to do with Margaret or maybe _everything_ to do with her but he didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

She just changed.

It made no sense asking anyone if they thought she did because the only person who’d ever notice it would be him. He knew the kind of relationship they had. He knew the way she’d look at him. He knew that there was often something reciprocated in her eyes that said what they had was real. Though never explicitly stated, they were going in that direction. He knew there was a way she’d speak to him and even if he tried to hide it, just hearing her voice would warm up his insides.

He loved the way she’d pretend to not be interested in what he had to say but still laugh at his silly jokes. It was impossible to hide the way her smile would reach her eyes. Everything once felt so easy and now it was unbelievably hard. It was jarring to him when he was going at the same speed and suddenly came crashing head first into the walls she rebuilt. Something changed or maybe it was everything but he knew this much, he was struggling. 

He didn’t know what to say anymore or how to say it. He was so great at coming up with the grandest ideas to solve any problems at the Dam but he couldn’t even figure out why Helen wasn’t the person he knew all along. She was still friendly but he could feel the distance between them. It was clear to him that they weren’t on the same page anymore. 

Needing a safe space to air out his frustration, he went to the one person who would probably understand him. 

“You know knocking is still a thing,” he said looking up at Max.

“Yea, well you know I’m no good at that. Why start now? Besides, don't I have best man privileges or whatever?” 

“Hardly,” Floyd responded unamused.

Choosing Max to be his best man was a no brainer. Sure, he had friends from college, cousins and the like. But over the years, he and Max developed a special kind of bond. He wasn’t just his boss. After their argument years ago over the patient’s death that Max thought was preventable, something clicked between them. They developed an understanding. There was mutual respect there and even admiration. Though Floyd wasn’t much of a rule breaker and Max would bend the rules to have his way, they each had the best intentions. It was always about the patient at the end of the day and that’s the common ground they shared. Once they could agree on one thing, they slowly began realizing that they were more alike than different. 

“You look like a truck ran over you and then reversed to finish the job!” Reynolds exclaimed, snickering at his comment.

“Jeez dude. Way to kick a man when he’s down!”

“Let me guess. Her name starts with the letter H and ends in n.”

“Very subtle, I taught you well,” Max said, winking at him, receiving a disgusted face from Reynolds in return. 

Max pulled a seat and slouched down in the chair taking a massive deep breath.

“I don’t know man. I genuinely don’t know what happened.”

Floyd could see the bewilderment plastered all over Max’s face. He wasn’t lying. He was really confused.

“We were doing fine until Margaret came. Have you met her?”

“Who hasn’t? That woman is a force of nature,” Floyd said as a matter of fact.

“We met at Helen and Muhammad’s engagement party a couple years ago. When I tell you she’s something, you have no idea,” Floyd warned, shaking his head in disbelief, recounting the memories of their encounter in his mind. He wasn’t going to tell Max. He’d rather spare him the details of what his potential mother-in-law could be like.

Max didn’t even want to know, not from Floyd anyway. If he had to know anything about Helen’s mother, he’d rather hear it from Helen himself, if she would just talk to him the way she used to. Besides, he wasn’t scared of difficult mothers at all. Georgia’s mother was like an insurmountable wall and he managed to charm her. He was confident that he was likable and could very well be the best son-in-law Margaret would ever have. 

“She’s been acting weird. At first she wasn’t returning my calls. That was the night her mom came into town. I honestly expected that. I have never once seen her like that. You know she’s like the queen of composure. Nothing seems to faze her. I could just see it in her eyes that there was something there. Something that went so deep and hurt so badly and there was nothing I could ever do about it. Then in the days that followed, she started being curt with me. I mean she’s not as much of a talker as I am but when we really get into it, she can talk my ear off about those things she’s passionate about. I kind of love it when she does that-rambles,” Max said smiling, thinking about that night she had dinner at his place and was washing the dishes. 

“I’m waiting for you to get to the point,” Floyd said looking at his watch. He had an appointment in a half hour for some wedding arrangements. He knew if he didn’t steer this conversation in the right direction, Max wouldn’t be the only one with relationship issues. Evie was not into tardiness when it came to keeping their appointments for their wedding arrangements. Reynolds was mostly late anyway. It came with the job.

“We do these lunch dates.” He stopped when he realized what he said. 

“I mean meetings. Damn it, they are dates. In my mind anyway. We do lunch dates a couple of times a week but she keeps blowing me off telling me that she has a lot of appointments. I offered to make her dinner again and she came up with some stupid excuse about needing to go dress shopping with Lauren. I mean, now that I say it, it doesn’t sound stupid but Helen never and I do mean never blows me off for Lauren. I’m her person.”

“And you say I am cocky? Man you’re so full of it!” Reynolds shook his head in disbelief that Max thought so highly of his place in Helen’s life.

“I should be ashamed to say this but Luna is my secret weapon. Over the years when we’ve had our little fights, she’d always come around if Luna became involved somehow.”

“You’re seriously admitting to me right now that you use your child to manipulate your best friend to forgive you?” Reynolds asked, looking at him with raised eyebrows.

“Who said that? I never said that. Stop jumping to conclusions!”

“I really don’t know what Helen sees in you,” Floyd admitted, laughing at Max. He was only kidding. He knew underneath all his idiocy and funny moments, there was a good person there. A person that deserved the best that life had to offer him. As far as Reynolds was concerned, that was Helen Sharpe.

“Anyway, whatever. Getting back to my point for the millionth time. She’s still treating Luna well but seeing her didn’t change anything between us. What am I doing here?!” Max said exasperated with his head his hands. 

Reynolds scoffed. 

“You don’t see it, do you?”

“See what? Clearly I’m having a Stevie Wonder moment but please enlighten me,” Max pleaded. He needed answers. As smart as he was, he just couldn’t figure out what was happening between them.

“She’s scared.”

“What?” Max shook his head in disbelief that Floyd was actually on to something.

“You heard me. She’s scared.”

“Scared of what? I don’t get it.”

“Losing you.”

The moment Floyd said those two words, realization pierced Max like a sword to his heart. He never considered it before. He knew he was the one with the baggage and the dead spouse that died suddenly. He always thought his cancer was _his_ fear and the only person to ever share that would be Luna, but only when she was much older. He never once thought about what it must have meant for her. To see him hanging on the edge of the end but still being strong for him. To see him bounce back but hold her breath each time he coughed or cleared his throat.

When it came to his cancer, at first he’d remember her more as being his doctor than anything else. That’s all she was at the start. He remembered chemotherapy regimens and radiation. He remembered their little fights when he’d argue that he didn’t need to slow down. He remembered how she’d chase him through corridors asking him to tell Georgia the truth the moment he knew. Maybe the reason wasn’t just the fact that his pregnant spouse should know. She wanted Georgia to have a chance to prepare to lose him. She didn’t want her to suddenly have her world turned violently on its axis and not know what to do. She lived through that before.

He remembered the relief in her eyes in the supply closet, when he told her he was in remission. He wasn’t blind to the way she managed to hold back her tears or will herself to not throw her arms around him. She knew he was still grieving. But although she was relieved, she wasn’t entirely. There was something holding her back from feeling completely released to celebrate his remission. The years of experience as an Oncologist taught her better.

She knew his cancer could go but she also knew it could come back-worse than before. She knew if it did, no amount of chemotherapy, radiation, precision target therapy or any other novel treatment that exists would save him. She told him that early on when she started treating him. Maybe he forgot. He did. He chose to forget about it. He knew he couldn’t live with the constant thought that he could die at any moment from the one thing he fought against with everything he had, just to give that little girl that needed him her daddy.

Helen never did. She held on to that. When the boundaries in their relationship were much more defined, she didn’t need to overthink losing him. At first, she was just going to lose another patient and colleague. But when they evolved into something more, the thought invaded her mind constantly that she could possibly lose another lover. The helplessness was something she battled with everyday when she’d feel herself wanting to leap off the cliff and dive head first into something with Max. There was hesitation there, rooted in past experience and common sense and as always, she could feel whatever she wanted, but she would never able to ignore the facts. She could very well lose him.

If they were to get together, she was never going to look at Max and see 70Gy (Grays), cisplatin, 5-fluorouracil and epirubicin with the clarity she could easily come by with her other patients. She was going to see the man she loved with everything in her. She was going to see the man she never wanted to lose. And when she looked in the mirror, she was going to see the person who had all the foreknowledge in the world and _still_ chose to put her heart through the wringer, even when it was within her control not to do it.

“I just…”

Max was inarticulate. He didn’t even know what to say to that. It never occurred to him at all.

“I didn’t expect you to see it. You weren’t there. You met her when she was better. Still running from this place but better. You got a version of her that she took years to build. Your relationship was always one sided anyway. It was all about you and your cancer. Your grief. Your child. You ever once stopped and thought about what she was feeling? What she was battling?” Reynolds questioned, searching Max’s eyes. 

Max looked like he was hollow. He didn’t have the answers to his own questions but he never expected this to be the reason.

“I was there. Bloom and I were the ones who hooked her up with Muhammad. Muhammad and I played poker together a couple of times a week. He had some British roots, just like her. Bloom had known Helen then for just over a year. They quickly became yin and yang. Helen isn’t overly friendly but she’s polite. Bloom isn’t the friendliest either but when she meets someone she clicks with, she holds them close. Helen quickly became that person for her. She’d honestly talk my head off every time about how great she was. She’d gush about her posh British accent and how funny it sounded when she cursed. She’d talk about how ridiculously massive her closet was and the designer clothes she had in it. She’d go off on how kind her heart was and the fact that no one else was better suited to run the Oncology department at the Dam but Helen. Eventually, she started asking me if I had any single friends. Helen was relatively new to the whole New York scene and wasn’t exactly the type to randomly pick up guys in bars, though she very easily could.”

Max smiled to himself because he knew that was true. Her body was quite literally perfect. If there was anything to attract any man to her initially, it would be that. But when they knew her mind and heart, if they were smart enough, they’d stay. 

Reynolds continued, “Muhammad wasn’t exactly my first choice and I can’t even remember the details but he ended up being the one we and by we, I mean Lauren, decided should date Helen. She was so against it. She had this thing about Internists. She thought they were cocky and too preoccupied with their importance that she hardly ever wanted to work with them, much less date them. Lauren told me that she’d often say that Internists thought they knew everything because they had the ability to take a mishmash of symptoms and turn it into a diagnosis they could treat. Helen was so decisive that way. When she made up her mind about something, there was always this finality to it. She just couldn’t be shaken.”

That’s exactly what Max feared. He was scared that she already made up her mind about them. She wasn’t going there with him. It wouldn’t be worth the risk. 

“It took so much to coerce her to go on that date. Bloom was like a mosquito in her ear for months annoyingly trying to convince her. She kept saying no. Thank God Lauren is quite the talker and is so unrelenting because after about three months, she conceded on one condition. Bloom and I had to tag along, so we did. Somehow she and Muhammad hit it off. I was genuinely surprised. I remember Lauren excitedly grabbing my foot under the dinner table every time Helen would laugh at one of his silly jokes or touch Muhammad’s hand when he said something that charmed her. I had to hear Lauren in my head all night long when we got back to our place, that she was right and no one would ever be able to dethrone her from the place she had in Helen’s life as her best friend.” 

Max laughed because he knew he was in that number one spot. Well, he used to be. He didn’t even know his place anymore. 

“Anyway, it worked out. They were going to get married. You must know that Helen lives in her head but maybe you aren’t aware that the moment she’s able to step out of that box she sometimes places herself in, especially when it comes to love, she falls hard and fast. She loves with everything she has. She doesn’t hold anything back. She gives all of herself to that person. That’s what Muhammad had, all of her. She gets fearless and loses reservation. It doesn’t mean she makes bad decisions. She just doesn’t entertain any of the doubts that may have been holding her back before. His death did something to her that even I don’t fully understand. But I know it did. I’m so sure because I remember night after night, Lauren would come back to our place and she’d grab me tighter than she ever did. Seeing her best friend lose the love of her life had her holding on more tightly to me. Lauren would just keep crying and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. That’s how close they are. She felt that. She lived through that pain with Helen. It’s as if she was crying all the tears Helen just couldn’t or wouldn’t. She’d come home and tell me that Helen just wasn’t crying and she was scared she’d break.”

Reynolds sighed deeply before continuing, “Oh, she broke. When they tried to lower his casket in that ground, it was as if she finally had to contend with the reality that he was no more. She knew then that she’d never see him again. I’m not sure if she didn’t cry before then because she was just so numb. Maybe she was able to walk around with dry eyes before then because there was this part of her that didn’t absolutely believe that everything had come to an end. I could still hear that scream she let out. It was like all of nature was immediately silenced when she just released all that pain and frustration into the air around us. There was not a single person that didn’t cry at that funeral. It was the saddest day I lived through. Nothing I ever went through personally could even make me emotional like that. I felt that. Everyone did.”

Reynolds paused and sighed.

“Max, she’d kill me for telling you this but she was _this_ close to losing it when she thought you’d die. She may have put on a brave face for you when she put you in that cab but she was in shambles in the stairwell afterwards. She was a mess. That’s when I knew she loved you because that pain I saw was so familiar to me. She didn’t have to say anything to me. She was trying so hard to fight it and I knew she was so uncomfortable having me see her like that. But she just dropped her hands at her sides in defeat and let it consume her. The helplessness. The hopelessness. When she cried enough, she switched into Dr. Helen Sharpe mode. She found that courage from somewhere deep inside of her to save you. She couldn’t lose you. For crying out loud, she sought out her arch nemesis just to get you the treatment you needed and still gave her half of her department so you could get better. If that doesn’t scream love then I don’t know what does.”

Max was sitting still, dumbfounded by everything Floyd was telling him. He always hoped her feelings were reciprocated but he didn’t even realize how complicated all of this was for her. Loving him was the easy part. And even that wasn’t easy. Choosing him. Releasing her inhibitions and actually choosing him. That’s what was so complicated. 

“You know when a glass accidentally slips from your hand and it falls in one place, you can easily see the shards right in front of you. But there's always tiny broken pieces not easily visible that you don’t even realize are there until you try to sweep it up. I feel like that’s what this is. The floor may have looked clean before and maybe she thought she swept away all those broken parts. But you remind her of the tiny pieces she didn’t see and couldn’t get to. As much as she may love you, you remind her of brokenness that maybe, she’d rather forget.”

Reynolds continued, “She hates feeling helpless and out of control. She knows she can’t control if your cancer returns or not. No one can. She won’t be able to help it if she really lets herself feel everything she really wants to feel for you. She won’t be able to survive losing you. Sure, she pretends she doesn’t care sometimes but she’s trying to protect herself. I don’t know what you could do to make her believe that loving you is worth it, even if she loses you, but you’d have to be really damn good to convince her you’re worth it. Is she worth it to you?”

Max couldn’t understand why Floyd would ask him that rhetorical question.

“Of course she’s worth it to me. I don’t know how not to love her.” His voice was low and barely above a whisper.

“Believe me, I tried. Gosh, I hate to admit this but there was _always_ something there. You know, even when Georgia was alive. I shoved it down. Never once acted on it. But there was always this desire to have her around-on my best days and my worst days. That day when Virginia told me that my cancer wasn’t responding to therapy, I kept pushing back at her. She kept drawing close to me. That changed something for me. It’s like she was telling me that she was never going to leave me and instead of finding solace in Georgia’s arms, I was on a rooftop finding peace with Helen just standing there next to me and giving me one of her smiles. She always seemed to be there at every turn.”

Saying it out loud was doing something to Max. He never once spoke about this with anyone before. He was never ready to. 

“I loved my wife with everything I had. Looking back, I could see that Georgia had pieces of me. She had the Max I was before cancer was ravishing my body. Helen had the Max with cancer. She had the Max who didn’t want anyone else to see him struggle but somehow wore his heart outside of his chest for her to hold it close and protect it. She has seen me at my weakest. I don’t mean when my feet were too weak to hold up my body and I just collapsed on that ramp. She has seen me at my lowest points, when I would walk right into her office after hurling out my guts in the bathroom and I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. When my hair was falling off and I started wearing a beanie, I let her see me with patches of hair in my hands on that rooftop. When my feet were too tired and I couldn’t run around this place like I was used to, I would stop to catch my breath in her office and she’d just sit and let me be. She never looked at me with pity. She never tried to say too much. The truth is, she didn’t need to. Her presence was always enough for me. I’d look at her, take a deep breath and then go back to doing my job.”

Max honestly couldn’t keep his emotions in check. Reliving their memories had his eyes welling up with tears. 

“Helen just did something for me. At first I thought it was just me being crazy and the chemo and radiation going to my brain. I _had_ to be crazy. But we had so many moments that left me wondering. We were just so comfortable with each other and there just seemed to be something passing between us every time. Something unspoken. But it was moving so quickly that neither of us could grab hold of it in time. We shouldn’t even reach for it anyway so we silently resolved to let it die. I think she decided to kill it first on the rooftop now that I think of it.”

Max paused before saying his next few words.

“And then Georgia died. When she did, my resolve to just let this be what it was, something that escaped definition but somehow still managed to work, died too. But only after a long time. And it wasn’t just that I lost her. I pushed Helen away because I felt guilty. It was only after Georgia’s death, I was willing to acknowledge that what Helen and I had weren’t a bunch of fleeting moments. It felt like some roadmap to forever. She was the one thing that kept making sense when nothing else did.”

“You’re getting really sappy on me here Max,” Reynolds said rubbing his eyes.

They weren’t seriously crying together in his office right now.

“She was standing in my kitchen a few weeks ago and I kid you not, it hit me like a tsunami. Those feelings that I thought were ebbing, drawing back into the ocean like a wave, just surged forward with more speed and taller than ever to just consume me. For the first time I wasn’t scared to admit to myself that I loved her. She had on some ridiculously expensive dress and this adorable apron she bought me for Father’s Day. She was going off at the mouth about something I could hardly even remember. I was literally in a daze staring at her. I knew at that moment, I didn’t want to do life without her. I know she’s scared to lose me but believe me when I say, I’d be one step closer to the grave if I have to know she’s alive, I am too, and I can’t have her. I want her. I _really_ want her. I can’t risk whatever time I have left on this earth playing it safe. I can’t know that she’s my forever and short change myself. She’s it for me. I never went searching for her. Somehow I got cancer but cancer gave me the Helen. So maybe life isn’t as bad as I think it is.”

“Whew, you are an idiot but you surely have a way with words.”

“Yea, that’s until Helen makes me a stuttering mess. She has that effect on me,” Max said laughing at himself.

“She’s seen so much of me that I could never imagine explaining myself to another person. She knows I’m an idiot but I feel like she loves me anyway. She knows I’m stubborn but she also knows that she has a hold on me and could get me to see things from her point of view. I know what my life looked like before her and I don’t want to go back to that. When I’m trying to speed up, she knows how to get me to slow down a little. When my head is stuck in the clouds, she knows what to say to pull me back to earth. You want to know what really sealed the deal for me?”

“If I say no, wouldn’t you still tell me?”

“Damn, am I that predictable?”

Reynolds gave Max a knowing look.

“Fine, whatever.”

“It’s the way she treats Luna. I don’t get it. The bond they have confuses me sometimes. Luna leaps for her and she is able to soothe her. You know my child is attached to me in more ways than one but she loves her ‘Hewen.’ She buys her candy and I low key hate her for that when she’s bouncing off the walls at night. They sometimes gang up on me when we’re play fighting. I could give Luna the world but I could never be able to replicate a mother’s love. My arms could never hold her the way I know Georgia would have. She just gravitates toward Helen and she’s fallen asleep in her arms so many times before without even putting up a fight. Luna has thrown tantrums before and then she sees Helen and all of a sudden she’s a completely different child. Seeing Luna is like seeing Helen’s heart outside of her chest. She’s so comfortable showing just how much she loves her. It honestly makes me soft.”

“As if you’re not soft already,” Reynolds said laughing.

“The way I have to struggle to have a serious moment with you and tell you how I feel.”

“That’s why we’re friends. You literally did this to me when I was mouthing off about Evie when those feelings hit me smack dab out of nowhere.”

“Well, true.”

Max couldn’t even argue with him. Reynolds was simply returning the favor. 

“Anyway, you’ve talked my ear off. Now I’m gonna be zoning out on Evie while we pick out this cake! I’m literally blaming you if she comes at me!” Reynolds said jokingly but deep down he was serious. He’d mindlessly throw Max under the bus to save face with Evie.

“Yea, whatever. But thanks for listening man. I appreciate it. I really do,” Max said hugging Reynolds.

Max was never afraid to be affectionate or wear his emotions on his sleeve especially after all that he had been through. Before he walked out, Reynolds had one last thing to tell him, “You better go get her. If it’s the last thing you do, find her and tell her how you feel. It’s clear, she’s worth it.”

Max smiled walking away more determined than ever to let Helen know that he was all in. He wanted her and he hoped that whatever messy and jumbled speech that would come out of his mouth, would be enough to make _her_ believe that _he’s_ worth it.

******

He knocked on her door frantically, later that night, with nothing but an envelope in his hand. He could try texting but he knew she wouldn’t respond. He needed to do this in person anyway. He knew it was late but he was never going to be able to sleep knowing that they hadn’t fixed things between them. She had to know how he felt and she had to know it tonight. 


	7. A Small Step To Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max knocks on Helen’s door and everything changes. 
> 
> I advise that you read chapter 2 again first before reading this. As soon as you start this chapter you’d see why.

She jumped in not really knowing how deep it was. 

  
Five feet. 

Ten feet.   
  


Fifty feet. 

One hundred feet. 

Somehow she was good at holding her breath submerged beneath the water for a long time. Then, she saw him. He was swimming toward her with that crazy smile on his face. Instead of swimming away, she took his hand when he extended it and grabbed onto it tightly. He didn’t know where he was going but he trusted her. It was clear to her that she trusted him because she was showing him everything-all of it. The things at five feet. The ones at ten feet. Before she could go any further, she had to look at him more closely before showing him what was deeper beneath the surface. Eventually, he was able to see what was hidden at one hundred feet. At that point, she needn’t hold his hand to guide him to those parts of her. He knew his way around and he could navigate anything because he knew her intimately. 

But he disappeared one day and never came back. 

Years later, she looked up and in the water she could see these two feet dangling from the edge of a boat, waiting to dive in. He wasn’t scared to test the water. He was always curious that way. Losing inhibition, he dove in. For a long time he remained at five feet. Then that night they FaceTimed each other, he was at ten feet. But she held him off. Somehow, she was able to.

Until now.

******

  
She woke up hearing a nagging knock on her door. She looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table and realized it was ten at night. Who in their right mind could possibly be knocking at her door this late? She’d be lying if she said the urgency and constancy of the knocking didn’t slightly scare her. Why was she all of a sudden going through it? Remembering the details. Reliving it. She loved Margaret but she was doing so well until she came and reminded her of everything.

She couldn’t really blame her mom for what she decided to do about her and Max. Margaret’s fear was legitimate and Helen knew that she was nothing short of the messiest she ever was, in the months that followed his burial. Margaret was genuinely just telling Helen how she felt. She didn’t know anything about Max or the reservations Helen had about them becoming romantically involved. Helen was the one who took what her mom said and decided to try to place Max securely in the friend zone. He already got to ten feet but for her sake, she didn’t want him to go any further. 

She started to create some distance. She knew it was wrong to not explain anything to him. She knew that it was probably confusing to him that she kept blowing him off. But she also knew that Max would try to talk her out of it and come up with an explanation as to why she should risk it anyway. She didn’t need his opinion when it came to her decision about her life.

But it wasn’t just her life. It was his too. It was the possibility of their life, together.

She threw on her robe and passed her hand on her face, trying to wake up. She looked at her phone and realized she had no missed calls or unread texts. Perhaps, this wasn’t like the last time someone woke her up in the middle of the night. She breathed a little easier. She was relieved when she realized she didn’t leave the vanilla scented candle on her counter burning, she wasn’t smelling smoke and she wasn’t hearing any fire alarms either. Okay, whatever this was, it wasn’t going to be bad, she thought to herself. She would try to work out who was on the other side but she didn’t want to spend the time it was taking her to make it to the door to guess anyway. 

She got up on her toes and peered through the hole and she saw his face. That was not who she expected. She really didn’t have any expectations per se but if she did, Max Goodwin would be nowhere near the top of the list. It was late and he had a toddler for crying out loud. She turned around and scanned her surroundings. The place was clean enough. It was honestly so ridiculously clean. She didn’t even understand why she was overthinking it. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.

“Max,” she said, looking at him still squinting through her sleepy eyes. She was genuinely surprised to see him.

“Hey,” was all he could manage to say. He seemed nervous and completely out of his element. He leaned against her door post and just kept staring at her. Feeling slightly uncomfortable, she pulled the corners of her robe a little closer together. She had on nothing underneath it. She didn’t have the time to put clothes on anyway because he was knocking that much.

“You really thought I’d leave you alone?”

“Max, it’s ten o’clock at night. You woke me up from my sweet sleep, banging on my door like a crazy person to ask me that? Wasn’t that textable?”

After those words left her mouth she knew he’d have a snappy comeback.

“Well, I _would_ text you if you’d actually answer said text. But it doesn’t matter anyway because what I want to say, I cannot text it.”

She looked at him trying to decipher what he was talking about but she just decided to unwillingly go with his flow. There was no way he was going to give up anyway. 

“Are you going to let me in?”

He wasn’t just talking about the apartment. He was talking about her life. 

She looked at him, contemplating her next move. Eventually, she stepped aside, extending her hand into her apartment to give him access.

She sighed, closing the door behind her.

“Could you just give me a second?”

“Sure.”

She raced to her bedroom and slipped into something a little more comfortable than what she already had on. She just had this feeling that this wasn’t going to be some five minute conversation. It was going to take God knows how long and she didn’t need to be naked under a robe talking to Max. She didn’t want to give herself any ideas.

In her absence, he looked around her place. It was so Helen. The description may seem meaningless but those who knew her would get it. She had this gorgeous black and white wallpaper that spanned an entire wall. The living room was painted in a dark emerald green, like one of the coats she often wore to work when it was Fall. She had gold accent pieces everywhere. His favorite thing was the gold Buddha she had tucked away on a side table. What really caught his eye was the pictures she had of people she clearly loved in gold frames. He saw her mom. He also saw this aged but seemingly easy going chap hugging her mom from behind and he assumed that had to be her dad. He couldn’t stop smiling at how different Margaret’s disposition was around Helen’s dad. 

Then, he saw him. It had to be Muhammad. It was a group photo with Lauren, Reynolds, Helen and him. Maybe that was from their first date or some other time. They were sitting at a table at a restaurant and he was clearly making a toast. They each had their wine glasses up but what struck him was the look on Helen’s face. She was happy and absolutely carefree, like nothing was weighing her down. She seemed like she wasn’t overthinking anything or nothing had ever hurt her in her entire life. That may not have been true but it surely looked that way. She was clearly in the middle of laughing. Her head was thrown back but she had one of her arms on him. Max never doubted it, but seeing their love in a static frame assured him that she _really_ did love Muhammad. 

Max also noticed a professional photo of them together at the Gala that night. He never knew she even had that in her possession, much less added it to her collection. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t appease him that he had even more evidence that he was important to her. They honestly looked like a couple. It was a candid shot. He didn’t even know anyone took it. They were standing off to the side and she was clearly telling him some funny story because she was laughing and holding her abdomen. But it’s the way he was looking at her in the photo. His head was titled as he leaned against a wall. He was just staring, completely mesmerized by her. The fact that she chose that photo of them, over the hundreds they had together over the years, spoke volumes. This was them in their element, happy and comfortable but clearly in love. He knew he could spend the rest of his life looking at her like she was his whole world and he’d do anything just to keep that smile on her face.

“Done minding my business yet?” Helen inquired, as she made her way back to her living room to take a seat next to him on the couch.

“Nope. Never,” Max said smiling back at her.

“You’re here and childless. Where is she?” Helen asked with concern. She couldn’t even help but care about Luna’s whereabouts.

He smiled to himself before responding, “With my mom. She hadn’t seen her nana in a while. I thought it’d be good for her to spend some time with mom and dad.”

While that was true, it wasn’t entirely. There was no way he could have Luna with him to do this. She’d fuss and fret and he’d never be able to get any words out since he would’ve been too preoccupied scolding her or maybe putting her tired body to sleep. 

“Jeannie and Jim are doing well?” Helen inquired. 

She met them before. She remembered how much she dreaded that. They came to the hospital to pick up Luna for one of her visits and she happened to be in the nursery with Max at the time. She wanted to crawl into the nearest hole when his mom just enveloped her in her arms. Jeannie always loved Helen, even before she met her. It wasn’t lost on Helen that Max definitely had to have been giving her an earful before they even met but they had a good relationship. Jeannie would always ask about her and Max would always make it known to Helen that she was constantly thinking about her. His dad was more reserved. She wasn’t sure how he felt about her but Max always assured her that he was grateful she saved his only son’s life.

“They are. Mom said hi by the way.”

“I’m sure she did,” Helen responded, smiling back at him. 

Silence fell upon the room and for the first time, there was this awkwardness between them. Helen didn’t know what he came for and she was honestly hesitant to ask, now that she was more awake and realized he didn’t have Luna with him. She was just going to let him take the lead.

“Uh, so I-uh. I-I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here, at uh-your place, alone and this late when I caught a glimpse of you earlier today at work.”

He was doing it. Stuttering. Losing the coherent thoughts he carefully thought out on his way over to her apartment. He was looking at her, sitting on the couch with both of her feet tucked beneath her and a cushion in her lap, her locks draped to one side of her neck and strawberry Chapstick on her lips and suddenly, he couldn’t find words. Reynolds really sabotaged him telling him he was good with words. He absolutely wasn’t. Then, he just blurted it out. Not really thinking about it. Not having time to second guess.

“You’re not going to lose me!”

The moment he said it, her eyebrows furrowed and she shifted in her seat. Almost instantaneously, he saw the tears forming in her eyes and he knew in that moment, that everything Reynolds said wasn’t merely speculation. It was true.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she defended.

“I don’t know what I’m talking about Helen? We were fine. Your mom came and all of a sudden you’re not texting me back or you’re making excuses to not have lunch with me. I thought I was your person?”

“I never said that. _You_ said that _I_ am _your_ person. There’s a difference!” she bit back, as she moved further away from him on the couch. 

This was not going the way he hoped it would. They were arguing. She was closing up. Her defenses were only getting stronger. He was just messing this all up.

He had his head in his hands when he realized that she moved away from him. He had to save this, save them, somehow.

He looked at her and he knew he hurt her. She could see that what she said hurt him too. He was her person and trying to do this was just as hard for her as it was for him but she didn’t think he’d understand her reasons. She had so many reasons for what she did and Margaret was the least of them. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I was accusing you. I’m not. I can be such an idiot sometimes. I just want you to talk to me and not shut me out. I just want to understand Helen.”

She knew he was being sincere. She could see it. He already had tears in his eyes and looking at him, that closely, with all that vulnerability, was making her resolve crumble. She didn’t have Margaret to whisper anything in her ear. All of a sudden, she couldn’t hear those thoughts that told her to just leave him at ten feet. She didn’t really know why but she was feeling this urge to just tell him the truth, and let him know the things that had been eating away at her, ever since she realized that she wanted more than just friendship.

She was going to do it-let him swim there. She took his hand and started showing him the depths, slowly letting go of whatever reservations she had before. 

******

“Three years, five months, one week, three days, sixteen hours, twenty seven minutes and fifteen seconds.”

He was just staring at her when she said it. He didn’t think it was happening but it was. She was going to tell him everything he wished he knew. 

“That’s all I had. That’s all forever meant to me.”

He followed her eyes and realized she was looking at that picture of Muhammad he saw earlier. A single tear rolled down her left cheek but she kept going. He asked and she was going to answer him.

“Who knew I was so good at keeping time?” she questioned, laughing woefully.

“I wasn’t actually. But I had enough time alone with my thoughts to remember the beginning and the end and somehow, I managed to count just how much time we had together. He was an Internist-one of the good ones. But you knew that already. I’d never be able to replicate him even if I tried. Once in a lifetime kind of person. Sometimes I laugh when I remember how much I resisted going on that date with him. Bloom showed me this picture of this six feet, tall man with dark hair, these soul piercing eyes, this crazy grin and I just found it absolutely off putting. It wasn’t the way he looked. He was thankfully easy on the eyes and he was such a good dresser too. He _always_ had on a suit. When I saw that ‘Internal Medicine’ embroidered on his white coat, it was a hard no. That was one of my rules. Life really keeps playing this sick joke on me,” she said, shaking her head. 

Max didn’t miss what she said. She was clearly dropping a hint that Max was somehow just as important to her as Muhamad was. After all, he was an Internist, just like Muhammad. 

“Anyway, I went on the date after Bloom practically blackmailed me. I won’t even tell you what she used but I had enough hanging over my head for me to put on those damn Yves Saint Laurent heels that hurt my feet so badly, with that pink Zara dress, and find myself in that damn restaurant. I was seriously regretting it after I said yes. I had the expectation that it would end in nothing but disaster. News Flash: It didn’t.”

Max was enthralled. She was such a good storyteller. She had every bit of his attention. 

“He took me by surprise. The very best things in my life took me by surprise.”

They locked eyes with each other after she said it and whatever was passing too fast between them before, was slowing down as she continued, dangling in the air between them so they could just take hold of it.

“Every idea I had in my mind about who he’d be, he just kept shutting it down as I met his acquaintance. He wasn’t cocky at all. Confident. That’s who he was. So polite too. I have a thing for a man with good manners. It’s the Brit in me. He actually had British roots too! I could tell his good manners wasn’t just him putting on a show for me. It’s who he was and I liked that. I remember how hypnotic his eyes were. At that first date he kept fixing his eyes on me and for some reason I just couldn’t look away. Being around him just felt comfortable from the get go. Never had to pretend or do too much. He never tried to impress me either. Being who he was always seemed to be enough for me.”

She smiled remembering how wrong she was about him. If she would take stock, she would realize that she was often wrong about a lot of things, especially when it came to her love life. 

She continued, “One date became many dates and soon enough, we were officially a thing. My life felt like it was on pause for such a long time. I was so immersed in my career that I hadn’t really made any time to date anyone. Then Muhammad showed up and everything seemed to pick up pace. He was so damn silly and competitive. We’d literally try to outdo each other for birthdays and holidays. He’d give me these elaborate and expensive gifts. I’d always opt for the more sentimental ones. At the end of the day, we’d both be crying. He’d always tell me that I was so wicked to do that to him and if any of his residents knew he had it in him, he’d never hear the end of it. I kept doing it anyway. I kind of loved it when I was able to make him cry.”

Max knew for certain that Helen was a sentimental gift giver. He had been a recipient of it over the years. He still had some of the things she bought him and the apron was probably the least of it. She had this ability to encapsulate memories in such a way that time would never allow them to fade away. She’d often think about the things no one else would and leave you speechless or in tears that you couldn’t even stop if you tried, just opening one of her gifts. She was so thoughtful that it still amazed him. The more she spoke, the more he seemed to be finding reasons why he desperately loved her.

“He was always so nosey too. I’ve always been terribly private. I probably got worse after he...you know. But he just always wanted to know more. He wanted to know why I chose Medicine. I gave him this dumb story about always seeing myself in this white coat when I was a child. It sounded so crazy when I said it but it was true. He wasn’t satisfied with that. He wanted to know why I opted to specialize in Oncology. My favorite aunt, my mom’s sister, died from breast cancer when I was about four years old. I still remember the details of going to see her at the hospice. Her death left an indelible mark on me. That’s why I chose this career. Then he wanted to know about my reasons to move to the U.S. When I came up with some crazy story about wanting change, he didn’t completely buy it. He could always call me out on my bs and I had a love-hate relationship with that. He eventually found out about my relationship with mom and he decided he had to fix it. He did fix it as best as he could, in his own way. Mom and I became so close again when he was alive.” 

She gave Max a strained smile. Clearly there was more there but she resigned.

Switching the topic, she continued, “He was so crazy too. He wanted like three kids and he was hell bent on us having a daughter first and her name had to be Kelsey. I couldn’t even understand his infatuation with the name. He gave me some unbelievable story about where the name came from but I just had this instinct that she was some childhood crush the little boy in him never got over. I was adamant about having only two kids though. I told him we were having two children-one boy and one girl. If he were lucky, we’d have an oops. You know, the one that you didn’t see coming, that you’d curse him for during the entire nine months you’d carry them and the nurse would drop that baby in your arms and then you’d never regret forgetting to take your birth control? That would be the oops. Whatever child or children we would’ve had would’ve been fine, once I got to name our baby girl Zuhrah. He knew how much my Ghanaian heritage meant to me. I always wanted to pass down a permanent piece of myself to my child and a name always felt like one of the best ways I could immortalize that memory of where I came from forever. Obviously, my argument was more compelling and Kelsey was long forgotten.” 

Realization dawned on Max that it was harder than he thought it was, when she named that baby girl she found, Zuhrah. She wasn’t crazy for feeling connected to her instantly. She was holding on to a part of herself that refused to let go of the fact that she never had a child with Muhammad. The guilt was eating away at her that she still wanted to be a mom, without him. She never got to be a mom to their Zuhrah. She never told Max and she didn’t need to. He knew that giving up that child hurt her in ways he couldn’t even fathom. He was realizing more and more, that there was so much about her that he didn’t even know. Helen kept hiding pain for all these years they knew each other and continued to selflessly show up for him while she was still fighting her own battles. 

“It was a Summer afternoon in Central Park. He liked to whisk me away at the most random times to just sit there and eat ice cream. I distinctly remember having vanilla ice cream. He was having something with chocolate in it. My head was on his shoulder and he kept planting kisses on my forehead every so often. We were having a really good conversation and then he just got quiet. Muhammad was a talker. He was only quiet when he was eating, sleeping or thinking long and hard about something. Out of nowhere, he said, ‘we should do it.’ I obviously couldn’t take a hint because I asked him if he wanted to in broad daylight in the park. I reminded him that we did it that morning, and the night before that and the day before that in his office and he laughed so hard that his ice cream fell off the cone.”

Helen started laughing recounting that memory. 

Max was trying hard not to overthink what she said but he couldn’t help but feel excited. Maybe he was being presumptuous but he was convinced that being with Helen would have him satisfied and he honestly couldn’t wait to have that moment with her. Damn it, this woman just never ceased to amaze him. He knew those yoga poses that she showed him on her phone could be put to good use. Deep down he knew she’d be game for anything. 

“I thought he was going to pick up the cone from the floor but right there, at two o’clock that afternoon, he was down on one knee, asking me to marry him. I was gobsmacked, to say the least. I’m such a train wreck that I started screaming and then not before long, my ice cream was also on the ground but I was just so freakin’ happy. You could imagine his surprise when I said we should just elope.”

Helen started laughing uncontrollably, thinking of the look on Muhammad’s face. Max couldn’t help but smile seeing her like this.

“He was not having it. I almost made the man choke on his sandwich when I brought it up one day. I just didn’t want to waste another moment. I kept feeling this urgency to make it official. He managed to convince me that I was worth more than some quick wedding, and he didn’t spend years saving to give his fiancé the perfect day, for us to just have some random wedding in St. Lucia, that only a handful of the people we loved could attend. It was settled. We’d do it his way. I loved that about us. We could always find common ground. We were both so logical and once we had good reasoning, things we could’ve otherwise argued about, we didn’t. Eventually, I became absorbed in wedding planning. We managed to have the engagement shoot. We sent out the invitations. Our friends and family RSVP'd. We already bought our house in London to permanently move there. The wedding was only a few days away.”

Her voice became softer and he knew where this was going. She took a deep breath. 

“It was the night of his Bachelor party actually. I was in bed. I didn’t expect him to come home that night anyway. He wanted to have his Bachelor party a few days before the wedding because he needed to be completely sober when we said our vows. I kept hearing this annoying knock on my apartment door around midnight. I looked at my phone and saw that Reynolds called me upwards of twenty times. I had a ton of texts from Bloom and so many of his friends. I managed to sleep through all of that but still hear someone knocking at my door at midnight.”

“August 3rd,” she choked out and then sighed, as the weight of it hit her. She hadn’t said that date aloud in so long. Max instantly knew the significance. His was May 14th. 

She continued, looking away from Max to tell the rest of the story. 

“I blocked it out. Everything that happened after I opened the door and ended up in the E.D. is still a blur. Those are memories I don’t want to retrieve if I had the chance to anyway. As soon as the day was changing, my world was too and I didn’t even know it. Our friends and family came to New York for a wedding but instead they had to attend a funeral. I never cried until that day. The day of his funeral I mean. My mom was so worried about me. She was going crazy trying to figure what was happening. I was snapping at her so much that she took the hint to stop asking me if I was okay. Of course I wasn’t. Bloom felt guilty. She rationalized that if she never introduced us then I wouldn’t be in that predicament. I never wanted her to apologize for introducing me to one of the best persons I had ever known. There’s nothing to regret there. I won’t take back one second of it. I’d keep all of them. I won’t undo any moment with him. Even when he’d get me so mad that I’d raise my voice at him, he never once raised his voice at me and it always drove me nuts that he could control his temper. He’d always come around first with the apology, I’d cave and then we’d-”

She stopped when she realized what she was about to say. She tilted her head and looked at Max before continuing, searching his eyes for the security she needed to say any more than she already did. She found the safety she needed so she continued.

“Did I eventually cry? Of course I did. Some serious tears. Had days where I couldn’t even eat. Many nights that I couldn’t even sleep. Too many days that I didn’t even make it out of bed. Pain was all I knew for a very, very long time. The grief felt like a weight that anchored me. Making any moves without him felt like an impossible feat.”

She’d never want to tell him that when she thought she’d lose him, he managed to get her just as worked up as when she lost Muhammad and she only knew him then for twelve short weeks. He didn’t need to know that. But he already knew, though he’d never tell her. 

“The worst part about it was when everyone went back to their lives and I was sitting alone in my apartment watching my wedding dress everyday and my wedding planner. I’d log into my laptop and see all the emails from our interior designer in London asking about what wallpaper I wanted or what furnishings I wanted in the guest bathroom. She’d always send things she thought he’d like. It hurt me to see the things I knew he would’ve wanted in our home. But London was never happening. Not after mom-”

Eighty feet…

She stopped. She was second guessing if she should tell him. He’d come so far already. What else did he really need to know? 

“Not after mom said that to me months after I lost him. That’s why she showed up recently. She wanted to apologize and make amends. I’m going to be straight with you, mom and I don’t have some cookie cutter relationship but we’re going to try to make it work.”

It almost felt like a warning. She was telling him there was this part of her that was damaged, that she was trying to repair, and if he couldn’t deal with it, then he could leave. She wanted him to see the mess and still stay. He was seeing it and nothing he had seen yet at this depth scared him. He was still holding her hand, wanting to go further. 

“What does all of this have to do with you?” she asked as she looked at him squarely in his eyes.

“Nothing.”

Immediately his face fell. He thought it was about him. He thought the reason she was telling him all this was because she was finally okay with letting him swim the depths Muhammad got to. And if she was, he believed that she definitely loved him. 

“Or everything….” she whispered underneath her breath. 

Did she really need to say it? To say that she loved him in a way that words failed to explain? That she wanted him but she didn’t want the heartache of possibly losing him? That her logic was fighting her for the past few weeks, at every turn, and she was trying to tuck away those feelings so far that she’d never be able to retrieve them? But she was struggling every time she didn’t return his call or turned down his invitation for lunch or dinner? That the distance was hard for her and absence wasn’t making her forget at all? It was only making her heart grow fonder. The more she tried to separate herself was the closer she wanted to be with him. That distance between them on the couch was too much for her. She wanted him close. As close as he could get.

“You won’t lose me. You won’t.”

He said it again. Not with an accusatory tone but with this softness in his voice like he was trying to bend her, make her more pliable and open to the idea of them doing this. 

She was shutting down again.

“Max, you can’t promise me that. You just can’t,” she said, shaking her head as a sign of rejection.

He moved closer to her on the couch leaving no space between them. His hand was on her leg and he reached to cup her face.

“Look at me.”

She didn’t want to. She knew she couldn’t stand the sight of him. When she’d get lost in his eyes, all the logic she had in the world would be powerless against the way he’d just look at her.

“Give me your hand.”

“What are you doing?” she asked as she tried to pull away from him.

“Do you trust me?”

She just shot him a look that said he was so dumb for asking her that, especially after she poured out her heart to him. He got the answer right away.

“Good. Now give me your hand.”

She hesitantly gave it to him.

He took it and placed it over the left side of his chest.

“Do you feel that?”

She had no idea what he was doing.

“You have an arrhythmia,” she joked, lightening the mood.

“And then you wonder why I lo- Never mind.” It wasn’t the right time to say it. 

“It’s my heartbeat. My heart is working. Blood is flowing in it, through it and out of it. It just means I’m alive. I’m here. Right here with you.”

Her eyes were fluttering as she tried hard to keep the tears in her eyes from spilling over. 

He took her hand and then put it by his nostrils.

“Do you feel that?”

“You are breathing Max and it means you are alive. You are here. You are right here with me.”

As she said it, she closed her eyes trying to convince herself more and more of the reality of the present. He was there with her. She wasn’t in the water alone still searching for where Muhammad had gone. He left and that was the reality. But there was someone else, right in front of her, beside her and behind her, who wanted to be a part of all of it. He saw the good stuff and the bad ones too but he was still there _with_ her. 

“I know you’re scared and I’m not going to try to tell you not to be. I won’t invalidate your feelings. I’m not going to make empty promises as if my life is totally within my control. If life has taught me nothing else in these two years, it taught me how much control I do not have. You know what I can’t control?”

He was shocked that his words weren’t coming out in a jumbled mess. Maybe he just needed that vulnerability from her to give him the confidence to say what he wanted to. 

“This,” he said, gesturing between them. 

She wasn’t surprised. She always knew it was there and she knew that’s how he felt, though he never explicitly stated it. He was grabbing it. The silent thing passing between them that they couldn’t and wouldn't acknowledge before. 

“I remember when I was struggling to move on, I visited Iggy’s office one day and he offered me some advice. He told me something that stuck with me. He said that because I have lost, I am now capable of loving harder, stronger and giving all of myself to a person. I know that time wasn’t meant to be wasted and I now had the ability to savor moments that I would’ve otherwise forgotten. The fear can’t control me if I don’t allow it. If I want to have the best things then I have to take the biggest risks. I honestly thought he made no sense until I looked at you in my kitchen doing the dishes. You make me want to love harder and stronger and I want to give all of myself to you. Helen, you’ve made the time slow down and the memories last longer.”

That line took her by surprise. He was being so fearless and he was so certain about her. That confidence was doing something to her.

“You’ve seen the worst parts of me and you stayed. There is no way I’m running now that I’ve seen yours. I don’t pity you at all. My sympathy is not what I believe you want or need. I just want to love those parts of you. The hard parts. The parts that you find too difficult to love. Maybe I was made to love them. Wait, I’m seriously not tripping over my words right now.”

She was laughing through her tears. “I’m kind of surprised actually.”

“Shut up,” he said playfully.

He paused looking at her before he said his next words.

“I know we’re great friends but I think we’d be limiting our potential if we don’t become even greater lovers.”

There was nothing she could hide behind. She was already so deep with him and now, she was letting him see what was at one hundred feet beneath the surface. 

“Max, the fear isn’t loving you. I’ve loved you for a long time. It doesn’t hurt me to love you and it never will. The fear is losing you. That hurts me and I-”

She paused, swallowing hard before saying her next words. Her voice was breaking. 

“I don’t know if I could do it a second time. I won’t be able to control that. And if we do this, it means that I’m surrendering myself to that unknown. It means that I’d be saying to myself that whatever happens, I’d still be okay. I love hard and I give everything I have to a relationship. Muhammad died with some pieces of me that I would never be able to retrieve. Over the years I’ve rebuilt some of those parts. I can honestly say that you have helped me rebuild some of those parts without even knowing. There was a part of me that believed I’d never love again and then came Max Goodwin offering to hold my baggage. I didn’t overthink it then and I let you carry it. Maybe that’s all you ever wanted to do, help me carry the things that were just too heavy for me. You were the surprise that I needed but wasn’t even searching for. You came when I was so caught up in running away from the Dam and you gave me a reason to stay-you. You taught me how to just stay.”

There was so much to see at one hundred feet. 

“I know how to run when it gets too hard sometimes. I know how to retreat and go so deep within myself that the only way I’d come out is if you come get me. It’s how I cope. It’s how I taught myself to cope. I can thank being an only child for that. Isolation drives me.”

It still felt like she was still trying to push him away. Max couldn’t take a hint and maybe that was the very best thing about him. He was never scared of anything that was hard and when he made up his mind about something, or even someone, there was no way he could be persuaded otherwise. 

“I can’t promise you that it won’t come back. I hope to God it doesn’t. Not really for my sake but for Luna’s and yours. I may be asking for too much here but I’m bold enough to ask because I have more to lose if I don’t.”

He took her hand in his and he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away some of her salty tears. 

“Helen, I’m asking you to give this a try. I never met Muhammad but I’m sure he did a damn good job loving you because I know this version of you that I get, wouldn’t exist without him. I don’t love you as well as he did or even more. I love you the Max Goodwin type of way. The way that makes you smile when you don’t want to or open up when you’d rather stay closed. The way that makes you roll your eyes when I make those silly jokes but you’d have it no other way. I have a choice and I’m using it to choose you. You are strong. One of the strongest people I have ever met. You were strong before me, strong with me and you’d be strong after me if you need to be. You cannot deny it. I mean you could and I’d be butt hurt if you do but there’s something so real here. So strong.”

She knew he was telling the truth.

“It pulled me from Chinatown to take this job. It wasn’t just my ego. It wasn’t me running away from my broken marriage either. I said yes to the job offer and I honestly didn’t really know why. There had to be something pulling you to be at the Dam at the exact time I was, on that day when you had a lot of TV appearances to make. There was something pulling us together when I accidentally went on that rooftop for fresh air and found that it was the place you liked to hide too. We had the same hiding spot. I hate to say it, but there was something pulling us together when I lost someone I loved, just like you did. This loss wasn’t supposed to separate us but make us understand those parts of each other that no one else would. There are things you don’t need to say that I already understand. You could talk about him and I won’t even get jealous. I get it and I love how much you loved him. It’s okay that there is a part of you that always will. I don’t need you to hide that from me or be ashamed of it. I just want you to see that everything was trying to bring us closer and the last thing I’d want is to let the fear of an unknown future drive us apart.”

This is why she tried to create distance between them. Max was charismatic and when he was confident about something, he had the ability to make such a convincing argument that there was nothing you could say to disprove him. She didn’t want to use words anyway. They weren’t needed. He was worth it. She decided that much. He would be worth anything she’d ever go through, the best and the worst, if it were to happen. The what ifs would be harder to live with than the loss and she knew that lightning wouldn’t strike the same place three times. She had the opportunity to experience great love again and she knew that the only person she’d want that with would be Max Goodwin. 

She closed the minimal distance between them. She wasn’t scared anymore. His love and the confidence he showed, was enough to cover her deepest fears. She looked at him and his eyes were trapped in hers. They saw each other’s souls and neither of them were afraid of what they had seen. She looked down at his lips and maybe she noticed up close, for the first time, just how pink they were. She inched closer. He was going to wait on her to do it. Whatever she wanted would be alright with him if it meant that she was all in. She tentatively gave him a small peck, smiling at the fact that he wasn’t taking control. Feeling the stubble of his beard against her soft skin enticed her. It had been a while. Getting out of her head, she became more confident to act. She put her hand around his neck and started kissing him more frequently and then more feverishly. That’s all he wanted. He reciprocated and soon he was showing her that the tango was never a dance for one but two, just with his tongue. They were back and forth, the clash of her sea met his sky creating a new horizon. 

******

It was now after midnight. The day rolled over but this time it wasn’t inviting her to sweet sorrow. It was finally setting them on course as they took, a small step to forever. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this seems like the end but it isn’t. The story isn’t finished. I didn’t forget that he had an envelope in his hands. I’d tell you what that was about before this story ends.
> 
> P.S. As much as the inconsistent line spacing at the beginning was driving me crazy, it was deliberate, so I left it that way. 😅


	8. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max gives Helen the envelope he brought to her apartment.

  
When you lose something, it comes back to you. It’s the unspoken law of the universe. 

You were never created to lack. You were never meant to live life without what you need at any given moment. The loss always has a lesson. But most times, it’s hidden beneath your fears, anger, pain and even grief. You never fully realize that you are a recipient of this barter system. You are caught in this exchange of what’s good, for what’s greater. And if at any moment, you doubt your capacity to be more, do more and have more than you had before you lost it, you must remember that the exchange is necessary, even when it hurts you. You never really lose for losing sake. You always lose to win. The absolute truth is that you will always win. But only when you choose to.

She loved. She lost. She was loving again.

He loved. He lost. He was loving again.

They lost what was good for something greater-each other.

******

There are those moments when time stands still. When minutes feel like hours and seconds feel like they are drenched in eternity. When forever doesn’t feel like years from now but it’s the present. This moment. Forever is the moment that you’re there with that person who has your heart. You don’t want to count or keep score anymore. You don’t want to anticipate when it’ll end because endings hardly matter in the grander scheme of things. With every second that passes, you think to yourself, ‘I can’t be any happier’ but then you look at them and realize that there is a space inside of you that was meant to expand. Whenever you feel like you’ve reached your capacity and there is no more joy that you can contain, you find yourself happier than you were mere seconds ago. 

There are those moments where you’re so immersed in the present that nothing else really matters. You are so attuned to yourself that you take notice of your breath. You feel the whoosh of air making its way from your nostrils, flowing down your trachea and then to your lungs. In. Out. Your chest rises and falls so slowly that you could count it.

She was laying on his chest just staring at him while the sun cast a shadow on her caramel skin. His eyes were closed and maybe she never quite saw him at peace like that before. He wasn’t trying to do the next thing or thinking about a million ways to solve another problem. He was there. Present. Even while asleep. She was having her forever right there, the morning after the night she’d never forget.

It’s crazy when a thought is no longer just a thought but real life. She thought about it. How it will be-them, together. Her mind was not vast enough to contain that greatness. He just fit. It’s almost as if her body was simply waiting for her mind to say yes to him all along. The moment after she let him in, she felt something she never did before. Max wasn’t some casual fling. Being with him was incomparable to any of her other partners before, even though most of them were great in their own right. She was meant to love him. Maybe her heart knew that first. Her logic would soon catch on. But if ever there was ever a doubt, her body confirmed it.

As she laid on his bare chest, feeling it rise up and down with each breath and hearing his heartbeat...lub dub lub dub….she was reminded that he was there. He was right there with her. And that’s all that mattered and would ever matter-the present and his presence.

******

He opened his eyes, squinting as he adjusted to the glare in her room. When he was fully awake, he felt something that he hadn’t, in such a long time-warmth. He had gotten used to sleeping alone. He often felt nothing but cold sheets and the only thing that he could hold onto was the unused pillow he always had beside him. This time was different. He was holding to something else. Rather, someone else. The contact of her warm body against his was a welcomed change. 

His eyes met hers and they exchanged a smile that confirmed the truth even before they could say it- it was the best time of their lives.

“Good morning,” he said, with his still groggy voice as he lowered his head to kiss her forehead. 

After he did it, she instantly knew that it would be one of her favorite things. 

“Good morning,” she replied with this ridiculous grin on her face.

“How long were you watching me sleep?”

“Maybe just for two minutes. I haven’t been up that long.”

“You’re a morning person, aren’t you?” he inquired, as he saw how perky she was at seven. 

She smirked knowing the truth.

“Anything but actually. I’m a this particular morning kind of person,” she said as a matter of fact.

“Oh really? Noted." He shot her a smile.

“Slept well?’

“The little sleep that I had? Hmm….maybe. Thankfully, all those nights Luna kept me awake came in handy.”

“Gosh you’re so bloody dramatic. It really wasn’t that long,” Helen laughed at him.

“Felt like it. Babe, you really are something and I feel like you showed me how much. You weren’t lying when you told me that I had no idea,” Max confessed, remembering the events of last night.

“Told ya. I aim to please,” Helen affirmed unapologetically.

Max threw his head back in laughter at her mimicking his American accent. 

“Look at you finally tooting your horn. If I knew that this was all it would take then I would’ve made a move sooner.”

She bit her bottom lip still staring at him.

“You did it at just the right time.”

A comfortable silence filled the room as they simply held each other. 

He could hardly believe it. She was as close as she could get to him. Her naked body was pressed against his. Helen was much more than he imagined she would be. To know her intimately made him feel like he finally found the missing piece. You could want something but the want doesn’t necessarily equate to the need. He needed her. He needed her for years and at every turn she was right there. Yesterday he was so sure that he wanted her and holding her this close, only reinforced to him that that feeling was never going to be something fleeting. He’d feel it forever.

She broke the silence first when she noticed the pensive look on his face.

“You’re thinking about something,” she said, unable to figure out where his mind was.

“It’s nothing bad. It’s just that I’m actually really happy,” he assured her, while adjusting his body to face hers.

“I mean, it’s possible to think that I’m being awfully presumptuous here and I’m so caught up in the whirlwind of you and I that I don’t have my head on just right. But, I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. I knew I loved you and I believed that you could give me a kind of happiness I’d never be able to give myself. But to actually feel it and just let it consume me almost feels like an out of body experience. I actually get to hold you and touch you and feel you. And we’re not hiding from each other. It’s liberating,” Max said, almost becoming choked up by his awareness that his life was already better with Helen being his lover.

“I feel like it’s too early to cry,” she replied, as she wiped the tears falling from her eyes listening to him.

Their voices were barely above a whisper as they exchanged their secrets while their heads were on their pillows. Communicating without second thoughts or reservations was so freeing.

“Lightning isn’t supposed to strike the same place twice,” she said as she played with his fingers. 

“When you love with everything you have and then it no longer exists, there is a part of you that starts believing that it won’t capture you quite the same way. And there is this very big part of you that thinks it’ll never be better,” she said laughing at how much she bought into that lie.

“It’s crazy. It’s absolutely crazy to be here with you like this. I didn’t know my heart could do this, you know.”

He did know because there was a part of him that felt that way too. It was true. There were things that they could understand about each other without having to explain too much.

“Your heart isn’t supposed to regenerate like this. When people get heart attacks, depending on how much damage is done, that part of their heart is gone for good. How is it possible that this twelve ounce organ could carry the weight of you-an eighty kilogram man and Lulu-a twelve kilogram toddler?”

“It was made to. It was always made to,” Max said convincingly as he closed the distance between them to place a soft kiss on her lips.

“We’re kind of in the honeymoon phase, aren’t we?” she asked as she thought about them.

“We are. But let me tell you, it’s going to wear off.”

She started laughing so hard because she knew it was true. There were in this perfect little cocoon in her bedroom with the only reminder of the outside world being the sirens they could hear outside her window.

“I’m going to really annoy you.”

“More than you already do?” she bit back.

“You’re seriously going to pay for that.”

“I am?” she said not believing a word he was saying.

“You are. Anyway, as I was saying, I’m going to really annoy you. I often leave the toilet seat up.”

She cut him off saying, “I already know. You left it up last night. I almost fell into the loo. Not cool.”

“I’m also not the cleanest person either,” he admitted ashamedly.

“That, I also know. I literally paid for a cleaning service for you that you turned down,” she said, sounding almost bitter that he did that.

“I’m sorry,” he said reaching for her face, peppering her with kisses. She didn’t kiss him back.

“So you’re not going to kiss me back? This is my apology and you're rejecting it,” he said as he made his way from her lips, to her jawline and then her neck.

“No, I’m not,” she said defiantly.

He positioned himself on top of her looking at her in her eyes more determined than ever to get her to give in.

“Helen, you’re not going to kiss me back?” he asked more seriously this time.

She knew what he was about to do. She caved. 

“Fine,” she said, raising her head to meet his lips.

He was satisfied when she kissed him and decided to leave her alone as he laid next to her again.

“You know, you can’t always do that and I won’t let you win all the time,” she said trying to save face.

“It doesn’t matter. I won this time and that’s all that matters,” he said confidently with a stupid grin plastered on his face.

“I hate you,” she said jokingly, unable to convince him.

“No you don’t. You love me. You love me a lot actually. You said it yourself a couple of times last night.”

She rolled her eyes at him because it was true.

“You’re going to kiss me when we’re arguing, aren’t you?” she asked, already knowing what the answer was going to be.

He smirked. 

“There's a ninety nine percent chance that I will. I can argue. You and I both know that. If it’s something I feel very strongly about, then I’m probably going to say my piece. But, if it doesn’t matter then I’ll honestly let you have your way. Work Max and relationship Max are two _very_ different people.”

She didn’t quite know how he’d be different in a relationship but she had a lot of time to find out and adjust to the change.

“As you mentioned work, what are we going to do about us?”

He was confused. He didn’t understand what she was referring to.

“Don’t look like you don’t know what I’m talking about. We’re together. You’re the medical director. I’m the deputy. It’s a conflict of interest.”

Helen was always so pragmatic. She’d think about the things that Max probably never would. She could always bring the gravity when his head was stuck in the clouds.

“I mean I love what I do and I genuinely love working with you. I’d like to think that we could somehow work around it.”

“Max, you and I both know that Brantley will never allow us to do that.”

He knew she was right but he still didn’t want to let go of the idea that he’d have to lose her in that capacity. 

“Stop pouting,” she said squeezing his cheeks.

“It’s fine. We work well together but I think it’ll be very naïve of us to think that we could do it all. I’d much prefer to focus my energy on our romantic relationship than try to juggle that and our professional relationship. Besides, you’d tell me everything that’s going on anyway and I’d still give my input. Don’t worry about it.”

He didn’t realize that being with Helen would mean that he’d have to lose that part of their relationship. He naively thought he’d have it all. He thought they’d get up on mornings, go to work together, sit in board meetings together, run New Amsterdam together and somehow end their days together. He couldn’t deny that he had been accustomed to just having her be the person he could turn to and depend on at work. It was like a crutch for him. He’d have to learn to draw a line in the sand and learn to work with somebody else. 

“I guess we’ll have to work that out,” he said disappointedly.

“By the way, Floyd’s wedding is only a few short months away. What are we going to do about us? Are we going to be exclusive at work and at the wedding?”

“I don’t know. Haven’t really thought about it. Bloom will kill me if I keep this from her. But the truth is, I’m always so protective of new relationships. I’m just naturally protective of anything in its infancy stage. I like that phase where no one else knows but the two of us and we don’t have the added pressure of anyone else’s thoughts or opinions. The only two people with expectations are the both of us, you know. Plus, I kind of like sneaking around and having office and linen closet quickies. You know, stealing glances,” Helen said, unable to contain her smile.

“I could literally look at you the same way I did before and no one would pay it any mind,” Max admitted.

“Damn, that is true. You really didn’t hide it, did you?” she said, turning to look at him.

“I mean, I couldn’t. Have you seen your face? Bloody magnificent,” he said in this terrible British accent, earning a laugh from her.

“You want it, don’t you?” she asked in a seductive tone of voice.

“Nope.”

“No?” she asked, surprised at his denial.

When he saw her face he knew he needed to explain.

“I didn’t mean no. I really meant not yet. I just remembered something. Be right back,” he said as he hopped off the bed, his bare butt cheeks on full display for Helen to see. It was surprisingly toned and she couldn’t help but laugh watching him from behind.

In less than a minute, he jumped back into bed with an envelope in his hands. She looked at him, bewildered. She honestly didn’t even remember seeing it in his hands last night. He clearly got so caught up in everything that he forgot to give it to her.

“I brought this for you last night,” he said, handing it over to her without giving any further explanation.

She took it tentatively, looking up at him occasionally as she opened the envelope. She didn’t know what to expect but what she found was the last thing she expected. 

One by one she pulled them out and read them, unable to contain her emotions. He was so good at making her cry. She was realizing that it would be something that she'd have to get used to. She couldn’t believe he kept them. She thought that he discarded every last one. When she thought she knew Max, he’d surprise her. At that time, she was trying so hard and there were so many times she wanted to give up when she thought she wasn’t getting through to him. It’s clear, she was. They had this ability to reach this part of each other that other people didn’t have access to. 

“I’m supposed to be the sentimental gift giver Max. Not you,” she said wiping her tear stained cheeks.

“Well it looks like I happen to be one too. We’re going to make each other cry happy tears for the rest of our lives,” he smiled at her reaction.

“You thought I threw them away didn’t you?”

“Honestly, I did. I knew you wouldn’t want to talk to me so I opted to use sticky notes to communicate that I still wanted to be there for you. I kept trying to find an excuse to get you to sign something so I could stick them on the documents,” she said as she remembered.

“I mean, I’m not going to lie and say that I was open to the idea of you being there initially. It was a lot to deal with and I was confused about a lot of things. But I started to find the most clarity that I ever had when I saw how much you kept pushing. You know I love that about you-your tenacity. You just kept finding a way around the walls I was trying to build to keep you out. Eventually, you just knocked them down. Helen, you have no idea how much you helped me get through my worst days. When I just couldn’t do it anymore, I’d reach into my bedside table and pull out all those sticky notes that reminded me that I had someone in my corner who was willing to fight for me. How could I not love you?” he asked sincerely. It was a rhetorical question. 

She pulled him close to her and pressed her lips against his getting lost in him. When they pulled apart almost simultaneously, they kept their foreheads pressed together.

“You’re my person, you know,” she admitted.

“Oh, I am? Didn’t know,” he joked.

“I could never have a serious moment with you,” she said amused.

“I really love you,” she replied, barely above a whisper.

“I love you with all of me,” he responded with conviction. 

******

There is a way happiness is supposed to feel. You read it in books all the time. You’re supposed to get caught up in the whirlwind of new love so much that it knocks you right off your feet. You’re supposed to become so engrossed in that person that all you ever think about is them. You’re supposed to want them so much that it pains whenever they’re not around. Who knew that it wasn’t just fiction that those authors described? It was real life. What they had was as real as it gets. The kind of love that never feels like enough. The more you feel it, is the more you want to feel it. We’re always one decision away from happiness and as she looked at him, she was sure that she made the right one.

It is as if time slowed down as they held onto each other. Permanently trying to stay in rest, forgetting to keep time with the tempo, the only thing reminding them that there was a symphony that life still wanted to play, was Helen’s alarm clock. Being together, like this, proved a simple truth to them both-forever isn’t in the future. It’s in the present. It’s in the moments you share with the ones you love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you remember the sticky notes in the flashback in chapter 1? Kudos to you if you did. I don’t always intentionally set out to bring things full circle but it keeps happening when I write this story. I have an insane attachment to this body of work and I keep thinking it should end soon. Anyway, I have yet to write the ending I planned when I started this so I guess we’re still doing this. As always, I appreciate all of you and thanks for reading ☺️


	9. The Best Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding happens.

Weddings. When most people think of them, it often evokes happy memories. Some automatically envision two people being head over heels in love and promising to create a couple of forevers with each other. Maybe that’s not the best part. For some, the best part is the bar with the couple’s signature cocktail and access to unlimited alcohol all night long. Most people would agree that it’s never the food, though. Eight out of ten times, the food served at weddings tastes terrible. It’s hard to believe that couples actually set up appointments with caterers where they taste the actual menu that would be served on the day. The food is either too salty or unseasoned, too cold or undercooked.

Bliss. That happiness some people feel is mostly reserved for those who probably were never affected by a marriage ending because of divorce, separation or death. It’s funny how someone could think that something is the best while another sees it as the worst. Weddings can also be particularly difficult for those who never got to make it down the aisle because life unexpectedly happened.

******

‘I love you’ doesn’t automatically erase painful memories but it can help. It can serve as a reminder that there is someone willing to fight for you and with you. It can help when something triggers a particular memory and awakens feelings that you thought went away. People may appear to have it altogether but aren’t we all just a little bit broken? Not beyond repair but there are issues that we’re all facing daily. In spite of that, we can still love and be loved. It’s what we all deserve-love. Here on earth, love is best demonstrated in imperfect situations and between imperfect people. 

Healing is a weird thing. Is it linear? Hardly. Perhaps it’s more sinusoidal. It has peaks and troughs but even then, there is some forward movement. Like grief, it comes in waves. It ebbs and flows. People often think that healing is some destination that you get to and lose sight that healing is actually more of a journey. It’s not perfect but it’s progressive. Even if the injury is no longer easily visible to the naked eye, the scar remains. Its presence reminds you of where you used to be but more so of what you were able to overcome.

Healing is tangible. It is seen in the tiny steps you take everyday. It is visible in the things you say no to, in an effort to enforce your boundaries. It is evident in the things you say yes to, despite your fears. Healing isn’t perfect and neither are the people who need it. And the best part is that healing is never beyond you.

Healing isn’t about trying to get back to the version of yourself you were before whatever broke you. That would erase the bad but it would also take all the good with it. Healing is about learning to extract the lessons and finding a reason to hope in the midst of the turmoil. It’s looking for the silver lining among the pregnant, grey clouds. Healing is hope. Hope for better and to be better. 

There were still painful memories that both of them were carrying but being together was a reminder that they were both progressing. Choosing to love each other, despite their fears, meant that they were both committed to their healing.

******

As he packed his bag to attend Floyd’s Bachelor Party, he could sense her uneasiness. The Bachelor Party was a trigger. All day she had been quieter than usual, barely saying anything to him unless he explicitly asked. Initially, he was tempted to question her but then common sense prevailed. He remembered. This wasn’t trivial or easy. To anyone else, watching their significant other leave to attend a Bachelor Party would mean nothing. But to Helen, maybe it was everything. 

He spent all evening trying to figure out what he could say. Not going was never going to be an option. He was Floyd’s best man and he already planned the entire thing. His absence would be felt. Truthfully, he knew she would never ask that of him. Helen knew that her feelings were never meant to imprison anyone she was in relationship with. The best relationships still allow you to be who you are. Freedom makes love easier to give and much easier to receive. 

Helen distracted herself by helping Luna find her pajamas when it was time for him to leave. He walked into Luna’s room, to find her telling Helen she wanted her ‘Monana’ (Moana) pajamas. She was obsessed with Moana. It was the one Disney movie that she could watch daily and never get bored. Max couldn’t help but laugh at how decisive she was at such a young age. She had her own mind and trying to dissuade her when it was already made up was useless, most times. Helen tried to bargain to get her to wear something else since it was so hot outside but she could care less. It was the Moana PJs or nothing. Helen knew better than to try any further because Luna would probably have a tantrum so she could get her way. 

“Babe, I’m about to leave,” he said, interrupting them. 

He could never get tired seeing them together. He’d silently think to himself, while watching them interact, what it’d be like when he and Helen have children. He always imagined she’d be a good mom. The first time it crossed his mind was when he saw her attachment to Zurah. At the time, he couldn’t allow his mind to wander too much because putting himself in that equation would have betrayed his commitment to Georgia. Now, seeing her with Luna, he had nothing to prevent him from going there. He went there, mentally, quite often and it was a thought that often made him hopeful about the future-their future together. To love Helen was one thing, to watch her love Luna was another and he knew to watch her love their little ones would be a blessing he’d cherish for a lifetime. He honestly didn’t know a person with a bigger heart than hers who could adapt to anything. She treated Luna as if she birthed her herself. 

“Lulu, you want us to see daddy off?” Helen asked, as she passed her hand in Luna’s untamed blonde hair. 

Luna seemed to be adjusting well to the change. Helen and Max had only been together for two short months but Helen spent most of her weekends when she wasn’t on call, at Max’s place. Her apartment wasn’t exactly toddler friendly, so the only time Max stayed there overnight was when Luna was with his parents. They somehow still managed to keep their romantic relationship a secret by sheer luck. She couldn’t say that the secrecy didn’t appeal to her though. Their lazy Saturdays in bed, sitting in dimly lit corners at restaurants and trying to keep it professional as much as possible at work, was thrilling to say the least. They thought they would’ve been caught so many times but they managed to keep up with their trysts, undetected.

They often joked that they couldn’t believe Luna didn’t tell her Aunty ‘Boom’ as she fondly called her, that she was seeing so much of her ‘Hewen’ lately. The anticipation of the slip of Luna’s tongue often had Helen and Max holding their breaths whenever Luna would be in anyone else’s company. It was becoming clearer as time went on, that Luna didn’t even think of their relationship as anything abnormal. Maybe that was confirmation that Helen and Max were really meant to be. She had two of her favorite people in one place, giving her all the attention she so desperately desired. There was never any pushing or pulling to make their new family dynamic work. Effortless. That’s what their love felt like even with a blue eyed, blonde haired toddler added to the equation.

Luna nodded her head in agreement, signaling to Helen that she was ready to say goodbye to her dad.

Helen didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know if Luna would have a meltdown spending the night with her alone or if the affection Luna seemed to have for her, was enough to help her forget that Max wasn’t around for just one night. Helen picked her up and balanced her weight on her hip, since she refused to walk to the door. She still had to learn how to not cave when Luna was testing her boundaries. One thing was certain though, Luna was just as attached to Helen as her dad was. As they got to the door and Max opened it, Helen took a sharp deep breath. Max could see the fear in her eyes that she was trying hard to mask with a smile, while she interacted with Luna, who had her head snuggled into Helen’s neck and arms wrapped around Helen’s body. 

She felt like she was living through the same moment. Walking him to the door to say goodbye as he left for a Bachelor party, not knowing if it would be the last words she’d ever say to him, kept playing in her mind like a broken record. Her mind already went through an infinite number of outcomes and she was trying hard to believe that everything would really be just fine. He’d go to the Bachelor party and she’d see him the following day. Nothing surprising or unwelcome would happen. She kept reminding herself that a part of love was trust and that meant that she needed to be okay with what she couldn’t control. If she made decisions from a place of fear, then she wasn’t actually really loving. Love and fear cannot coexist, ever. It’s what her dad always told her growing up. The more she pondered on the truth, she could feel the fear slowly leaving her. 

“You can’t allow her to stay up too late. She’d try to do that, especially since I’m not here,” Max warned, knowing Luna would test Helen’s boundaries. Max found himself scolding her more and more lately, as she was starting to own more of her individuality and exploring the world through her eyes.

Luna was paying no attention to him until he said, “Oh and I left some jelly beans on the counter for her.”

“Beans?” Luna inquired, becoming wide eyed hearing her father mention her favorite snack.

Helen was not pleased that he brought it up. She knew what sugar did to Luna and tonight was not the night for her to lose sleep. She still had so much to do. She had work emails to respond to since she’d be busy all weekend. She had to make sure all of her things were prepped for the wedding the following day. With added sugar in her system, she knew Luna would have her talking so much that she’d never be able to focus.

“I hate you,” Helen mouthed to Max, knowing exactly what he was doing. All of a sudden, she regretted all those times she’d randomly drop by and bring jelly beans for Luna. Max always looked so spent the following day and she’d make a joke out of it. Clearly, he was paying her back. 

“I think you love me,” he said as he reached down to kiss her lips.

“Not right now I don’t,” she retorted but still kissed him back. 

As if their affection made her uncomfortable, Luna began wiggling to get out of Helen’s arms because she wanted to go back to her room. Before she walked off, Max kissed her head reminding her to be a good girl for Helen.

“I honestly thought she’d have a breakdown,” Helen said surprised, watching the toddler walking away from them, seemingly unbothered by Max’s impending absence.

“She’d be fine. Lu loves you babe. Anybody else besides you and my parents and she would’ve shown her true Goodwin colors.”

“What’s that? Drama?”

“A lot of it. Did I ever tell you that I did theater in High School?”

“Nope. Never.” Helen smiled, turning on her heels to walk away. Just then, Max grabbed her hand to pull her back to him.

“Hey,” Max whispered. He continued, “I could tell that you’re a little uneasy about this whole thing. I get it. I’m not going to tell you not to be because I don’t want to invalidate your feelings. But, I want to assure you that I’d be fine and I’d be sure to text you when I get back to the hotel when we’re done even if it’s late. Deal?”

She bit her bottom lip while staring up at him. The fact that she didn’t need to explicitly say anything spoke volumes about how attentive Max was to her. He knew what to say and do to assuage her fears and that only made her more certain that she made the right decision choosing him.

“Deal. I love you babe. Be safe. Have loads of fun,” Helen said, as she got up on her toes to press her lips against his.

“I love you more,” Max responded assuredly, as if he could somehow prove that to be true.

“Oh, and remember I’d meet you at the venue before the ceremony starts. And please remind your parents not to be late. I have an appointment in the morning.”

“Yes, I will. I’m texting mom now,” he replied, as he walked off with his phone in his hand. 

Leaning against the doorpost, watching him leave, Helen questioned, “Babe, are you sure you’re not forgetting anything?” 

He stopped in his tracks as he appeared deep in thought. He turned around to look at her one last time before responding, “I have everything I need.” 

******

She arrived at the wedding venue, taking one last look in her pocket mirror to check her lipstick. She smiled to herself thinking about what Max would say when he saw her dress. It was revealing and when she bought it with Bloom, the intention was definitely to have Max drooling. Now that they were together, she knew he’d be more comfortable to actually tell her what he was thinking without any reservations. She was an hour early because somehow Max managed to leave his bow tie at home and she had to bring it to him. She’d never forget how that conversation went and there was this part of her that wanted to make him sweat thinking she’d never bring it. She just loved those rare moments where she could play games with him since most times in their relationship, he was the one messing with her.

As the car made its way through a long driveway, lined on either side by lush greenery, she found herself mesmerized by the surroundings. She noticed the leaves on the trees rustling gently in the wind and she could feel herself instantly relax. To her left, a small expanse of water with a fountain at its center, shooting water ten feet high, was now the focus of her attention. If one thing was certain, Evie and Reynolds definitely knew how to pick a venue. If they decided on anything in New York proper, they’d have to settle for making a masterpiece out of cold concrete. The decision to choose a place far from the city was already proving to be a wise one. This was a much needed escape and she knew the wedding guests would definitely appreciate it.

When she arrived at the manor, she was greeted by a server in a tuxedo, who offered her a glass of champagne at two in the afternoon. Helen was definitely loving every moment of this. She managed to send Max a text to alert him of her presence. She stood in the foyer, near the bottom of the grand double staircase, scrolling through her phone waiting for Max to reply. He never did. Maybe he was busy. 

All of a sudden, she began fidgeting, feeling as though someone’s eyes were on her. She looked up from her phone and the only people in the hallway were decorators, hastily trying to make sure every single white hydrangea was securely in place before more guests arrived. He was looking at her, while standing at the top of the staircase, leaning over the rails, for an entire minute. He knew he should reasonably text her back but for some reason he just wanted a moment to look at her from a distance. He was trying to buy time to find the right words. 

He was holding his breath a little, seeing her in a Black, strapless, figure flattering dress, with a plunging V shaped neckline and a slit reaching up her mid-right thigh. Her hair was draped to one side with a diamond studded hair accessory keeping it in place. He looked down at her Black shoes that had silver chains on top of them, and he recalled a random conversation he overheard her having with Bloom, months prior, about these new Giuseppe Zanotti heels she bought on sale. He was sure he was butchering the designer's name as he said it in his mind, but he assumed the shoes he was looking at had to be that pair. Her winged eyeliner was perfect and her cheekbones were contoured just enough to make them appear to stand out and complement her red lipstick. He was far from her but he could already smell that perfume she liked to wear just because it drove him nuts every freaking time. Naturally, he could barely keep his hands off her but when she wore it they’d have sex practically every single time. Time or place were often inconsequential. For sex, they could make the time and find a place. Being with Helen was a constant reminder that he was a very lucky man.

He walked down the left stair, slowly, just savoring the moment of looking at her without her realizing. When he was one foot away from her, she finally looked up to see him. She immediately began smiling, taking one last glance down at herself to make sure nothing was out of place. She relaxed her shoulders a little, sighing with relief. He did text her when he got back to the hotel but she was so happy to see him in the flesh with no bumps or bruises. He was perfectly fine, just the way he left her the night before. She breathed a little easier.

As he closed the distance, with their eyes locked on each other, he genuinely forgot where they were. Without thought, he reached out, meeting his lips with hers. They became lost in each other and for a moment, she seemed to forget too, until they heard a noise from one of the servers dropping a champagne glass.

“P.D.A? Dangerous move Goodwin,” she muttered underneath her breath, as she pulled away from him with a smirk on her face, looking around to see if the coast was clear. 

“Maybe I’m feeling a little risky today,” he quipped.

She raised her brow at him, pretending to be surprised at his behavior but she knew better. Max always seemed to be willing to risk their relationship becoming public knowledge. It was almost painful to keep it a secret that he was the only person Helen Sharpe had eyes for. He was in love and he wanted the whole world to know it. 

“One word. Wow,” he exclaimed amazed, taking her in as he took a step back, though still holding her hands in his. 

She looked down at herself puzzled, feigning ignorance about what he really meant.

“Wow, what? You liked the way I kissed you, huh?”

“It’s not that at all.”

“Are you saying my kiss was bad?” she asked as she tilted her head, waiting for him to say something to ruin the moment.

“What? Never. I know what you’re doing by the way. It’s not going to work,” he defended, as he leaned a little lower to whisper in her ear.

She whispered back, “I still had to try,” as she pulled away giggling at him.

“You already know but I’d tell you anyway. I said ‘wow’ because of how beautiful you look. You just kind of took my breath away, honestly. Everything about this just works. Your makeup is flawless although you look just as good without it. You have on my favorite perfume.” 

He twirled her around so he could see her from all angles. “This dress just hugs your curves so well. You did well babe.” 

“This little old dress?” she asked, pretending to be coy all of a sudden.

The dress was anything but old. As a matter of fact, she only pulled off the tag when she laid it out on the bed that morning. 

“You’re literally still doing it. You know, the whole false humility thing. I actually find arrogance _very_ attractive,” Max teased. 

“Gee, I wonder why?” Helen remarked, feigning ignorance.

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” she said, as he adjusted the corners of his jacket.

The compliment was an understatement. That was probably the best he ever looked in his entire life. His brunette hair was perfectly coiffed with the majority of it combed and gelled to the right. His suit was a slim fit tuxedo from Armani that was impeccably tailored to Max’s frame. Passing her hands down his shoulders, her eyes followed them to find his gold and black cufflinks that had his initials on them. It was something Max’s dad gave to him that belonged to his grandad, Matthew Goodwin. It was a family heirloom and Max secretly hoped he’d one day pass it on to his son. His patent leather shoes were shining but maybe Helen’s favorite thing was his eyes. She could hardly ever tire of getting lost in them. She was never really lost there. It’s where she was often found. 

“I’d look better if I add what’s missing. Did you bring it?”

“Maybe.”

“Babe, seriously. Reynolds would kill me if I don’t have my bow tie.”

“He won’t. He’d have to go through me first. And yes, I brought it. Where’s your room? Let me help you put it on because I know you’d be standing at the altar with a crooked bow tie if I leave you to it. I am not having it,” she chided with sternness evident in her voice. 

He couldn’t help but smile at how protective she was of him and overly concerned about his appearance. He couldn’t blame her for the latter. All he knew was blue scrubs and those rare moments when he wasn't wearing them, choosing the most basic thing in his closet to wear was his default. He was more interested in comfort than style. The lady on his arm was the opposite. He found her with her feet up in her office, one too many times, trying to ease the excruciating pain she had in her feet from walking around the Dam in heels all day. Since they were together, foot rubs during the day at work became a thing. Every lunch time, every day. She had come to expect it. He knew that before the night was through, she’d have her feet in his lap while his hands worked its magic on her feet. 

“Let’s go upstairs and you can put it on.”

******

He sat on a table in an empty room while she stood between his legs, meticulously tying his bow tie around his neck. 

“By the way, you didn’t ask me how things went with your mom,” she said, momentarily changing her focus to look up at him. 

“How _did_ things go with my mom?” he asked, swallowing hard. 

He knew Jeannie liked her. That was never an issue and would never be. He just knew his mom would say something that would give away what he told her. The one thing Jeannie was never good at was keeping anything she loved a secret. Helen was very perceptive and she could easily read anyone. Max knew that his mother wouldn’t stand a chance around Helen. The years he knew her taught him well. 

“So, you know I met them at a neutral place so they wouldn’t think that I somehow was spending the night at your place. I think they assumed Luna stayed with her nanny overnight and I just dropped her off. Thankfully, Luna didn’t say anything too crazy. It’s just Jeannie. Of course she hugged me tightly when she saw me. She can’t help it. I was there on the street corner just being squished by all that love for a solid minute.”

Max made a mental note to tell his mom to lay off on smothering Helen. She’d do it with anyone really. She was just a hugger and she wouldn’t ever want to change that about herself. 

“And no, you don’t need to tell her to stop hugging me so much. I kind of like it honestly.”

He knew she missed being close like that to her mom, although she wouldn’t want to admit that. Things with her and Margaret were better but they were still not at the stage of smothering hugs that Helen would enjoy. Baby steps-that’s what they were taking.

“Anyway, after she got Lulu buckled in her booster seat, she gave me this look. Your dad did too.” She paused, looking at him square in his eyes before continuing. She could already see the tiny beads of sweat on his forehead.

“And maybe that’s what clued me in. Jim has never been so easy going with me. You’ve told me that he likes me and I had moments where I honestly doubted it, until today. He was just warmer than usual and more inviting.”

Max started to feel a little hot all of a sudden. He knew where this was going. 

She continued, “So I was standing there on the street corner not really knowing what to say, because if I remember correctly, we made this little pact that we weren't going to tell anyone we were in a relationship just yet. And _you_ were the one who said you’d be tight lipped and not even Jeannie would know.”

Max cleared his throat because he knew he was caught red-handed. Lying wouldn’t even be an option. Helen was not an easy person to lie to anyway.

He scratched his forehead.

“Yea, it just happened.”

Helen couldn’t even help it. She just burst out in erratic laughter. She didn’t know what she expected but those words were not it.

“Max, Luna managed to keep our relationship and you couldn’t? You are laughable!”

He looked at her through squinted eyes trying to gauge whether or not she was actually cool about the entire thing.

“So, you’re not mad?” he asked cautiously.

“Mad? Nope, not one bit. It’s your parents. You love me. There’s no way I expected you to actually keep that a secret. I just wished you’d tell me that you told them though. I literally wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble with calling an Uber and waiting in NYC traffic on a Saturday morning, just so they wouldn’t know I spent the night at your place watching Luna.”

“Oh, right. Point taken. I’m sorry,” Max said with an apologetic smile on his face.

She rubbed the sweat off his forehead while she said, “Look at you sweating. You were scared, weren’t you?”

“You are not the person to get angry.”

“That’s not true. I’m quite normal when I’m mad and get real, the make up sex is better.”

“Speaking of sex,” Max said suggestively, as he pulled her in closer while his hands reached for her zipper on her back, ready to waste no time for a little quickie before the ceremony started.

In one swift motion, they traded places and she found herself on the table with his body now perched between her legs. He started kissing her feverishly as he made his way from her lips, to the back of her ears, then to her bare neck, enjoying the easy access he had due to the plunging neckline of her dress. 

Before they could go any further, Helen’s phone started ringing. In between moans, she tried to ignore it but it wouldn’t stop. She managed to push him away just a little, before reaching to her clutch nearby, to pull out her phone. She saw Lauren’s name flashing on her screen.

Although he could see that it was Lauren, he was not about to have her ruin their moment. Helen decided to answer anyway because she knew if she didn’t, Lauren would never stop calling.

“Hey,” Helen said, trying to focus her attention on Lauren and not on Max’s hand beneath her dress.

“Yea. I’m here already. I-” Helen stopped mid sentence trying her hardest to stifle the moan that was trying to escape her lips.

She closed her eyes, trying hard to remember what she was actually about to tell Lauren. 

Coming to her senses, she said, “No. I was just walking around. No worries, I’d meet you in the foyer in a couple minutes.”

Hearing what she said, Max lost focus, bringing his head to fall on her shoulders in disappointment.

She held him for a bit, apologizing for the interruption. “I know. I’m sorry but the wedding starts in fifteen minutes and you need to go find the groom. I’d make it up to you later.”

He lifted his head to look at her and she couldn’t withhold the laugh when she saw his face.

“Stop pouting. You know I’m a woman of my word,” she said confidently.

“That you are, babe.”

“Wash your hands,” she said looking down at his hands.

He smiled.

“Floyd is probably looking for you anyway. He’s probably wondering why his best man has been gone for the better part of an hour,” she said as Max zipped back up her dress, while she looked in a nearby mirror fixing everything that fell out of place.

“Trust me, he’s fine. I left him with his dad giving him an earful about love and marriage. I met his mother in the hallway on my way out too. He’s in good hands.”

Before opening the door to leave the room, Helen turned to look at Max.

“You have the rings, right?”

He had a scared look on his face as he searched his pockets frantically. He sighed with relief when his hand found a black velvet box that he pulled out to prove to her that he did. He smiled at her when he noticed she was actually panicking. 

“I swear, if you so much as try any nonsense like this on our wedding day, forgetting bow ties and giving wedding rings to irresponsible people,” she glared at him before continuing, “ I’m leaving you at the altar.”

“Oh, so we’re getting married, huh?” he said as he bit his bottom lip. Clearly he heard nothing else.

“Only if you play your cards right,” she said as she winked at him before closing the door behind her.

******

Helen walked down the stairs to find Lauren with two champagne glasses in her hand, gulping it down as though it was water.

“Whoa there,” Helen said, reaching out to grab the second glass from her hand before she could consume its contents. “You might want to slow down just a little. The ceremony hasn’t even started yet.”

“Yea.”

Lauren furrowed her brow, taking Helen in from head to toe, as she noticed a light sheen of sweat on her forehead.

“How long have you been here anyway?” Lauren questioned.

“A while.”

Lauren knew Helen was hiding something whenever she was curt.

“So where were you? I expected to find you here waiting for me like we’d planned.”

“Well, like you, I started drinking and I had the sudden urge to void. I went in search of a bathroom.” 

Helen was good at this. She was a quick thinker.

Lauren didn’t miss the bathroom sign just ahead of them though. It made no sense that Helen would bypass the noticeable bathroom and go all the way upstairs. 

Helen changed the conversation.

“Are you alright?”

“Trying to be, I guess. Once I get some liquor in me, I’d be much better than I am at the moment.”

“Come here,” Helen said, pulling Lauren into a hug. As Lauren snuggled her head in her neck, she furrowed her brow in confusion because the only thing that kept hitting her nostrils was the scent of a man’s aftershave. She quickly returned to her default sadness, not wanting to let Helen know that she suspected that she was already keeping secrets from her.

“Thanks babe. Anyway, the ceremony is about to start at any moment. We can’t ruin Evie’s grand entrance. Also, you’re my date tonight. I don’t care about Max Goodwin. Where is he, anyway?”

“I thought you just said you didn’t care about Max Goodwin?” Helen said laughing before continuing, “Hopefully standing at the altar already.”

They walked arm in arm through the heavy teak doors as they entered the area designated to the wedding ceremony.

“Oh wow. This is nice,” Helen said as she cast her eyes all around the room, trying to pick up on every piece of fine detail.

The wedding hall was grand and that was still an understatement. It had to have been at least five thousand square feet. The ceiling wasn’t visible. It was draped with lily white nylon tulle and elaborate gold chandeliers were found hanging from at least ten points. Waist high, white roman pillars with gold trimmings flanked each row, with tiny clusters of hydrangeas hanging from either side. Lanterns with vanilla scented white candles added light to the space and made it that much more warm and inviting. Near the altar, a canopy created from fresh white flowers of all descriptions was seen dangling over where Evie and Reynolds would exchange their vows.

“Yea, this is nice,” Lauren concurred, as they made their way to their comfortable seats. 

“Oh, there’s Max,” Lauren exclaimed, pointing at the dapper man who couldn’t help but blush when his eyes found Helen’s.

When he thought Lauren was looking away, he whispered to Helen, “I love you,” and she opened her eyes in horror that he would even take the risk when Brantley was merely two rows behind her.

Lauren caught him at the corner of her eye and she knew for certain that was for Helen when she saw her smiling next to her.

Evie and Reynolds exchanged non-traditional wedding vows and there wasn’t a dry eye at the wedding. They detailed their commitment to be there for each other, to fuel each other’s passions, to hold each other accountable, to refuse to let the voices of others be louder than their own in their marriage, to keep dating and always remember to bring out the best in each other. Max couldn’t help but look at Helen while they spoke, with so much sincerity in his eyes, as though he was promising her the very things Reynolds was saying to Evie. At one point, she was so sure that she saw him wipe his eye and that’s when she caught the tear that was falling from hers.

******

After a cocktail hour that had Lauren securely on the road to being buzzed, Lauren and Helen took their seats at their assigned “Dam Fam” table, with everyone from Iggy and Martin sans their brood of course, Kapoor and Brantley, who had just about everyone turning their heads watching their interaction, and Ella who was busy showing everyone pictures of her baby boy.

The food was actually pretty great. Iggy couldn’t stop commenting on how perfectly seasoned and cooked everything was, earning a side eye from Martin who kept his eyes on what he was having. He could tell something was wrong with him. Max didn’t want to make it too obvious that he and Helen were together, especially when their boss was merely two seats away from Helen. He kept his distance from the table for most of the night, preferring to interact with the rest of the bridal party. 

Out of the blue, Lauren turned to Helen and asked, “So when are you going to tell me?”

Helen feigned ignorance though she knew instantly what Lauren was asking. She didn't know how she managed to figure it out but Lauren wasn't one to be fooled easily.

“Tell you what?”

“You couldn’t wait till tonight, could you?”

“I really don’t understand what you’re saying. Just come out and say it.”

“How long have you been seeing Max?”

Helen couldn’t even hide it. She thought she’d be able to not look at Max with longing eyes. She thought her facial expressions wouldn’t betray her and reveal her secrets when her lips still spoke nothing of them.

“A while.”

Lauren probed further, unsatisfied with Helen’s response.

“What is a while?”

“Does it matter?”

“It does.”

“Two months.”

“Two months?!” Lauren said loudly, drawing attention to them. Wedding guests at their table started looking at them puzzled, unaware of what was actually going on. Helen gave an embarrassing but apologetic smile. She should’ve known better. Lauren wasn’t exactly the type to fake surprise. Immediately she realized, that she couldn’t have that conversation with Iggy, Kapoor and Brantley of all people next to her. Lauren could never be quiet when she was gossiping.

She grabbed her by the hand not so subtly and walked outside so they could have some privacy.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you! You’re so bloody dramatic. And I love you...like really love you but honey, you cannot keep a secret to save your damn life. I should just ask them to give you the mic right now so you could tell everyone,” Helen said, lowering her voice.

Helen snickered, earning a laugh from Lauren who couldn’t even come up with a rebuttal. She knew it was true. It was well known that you never tell Bloom a secret unless you are comfortable with anyone else knowing. She meant well but her happiness for others often got the best of her. It would always be some slip of the tongue and she would often find herself trying to retract when the other person would catch on. She tried so hard when Muhammad and Helen just started dating. Helen tried but failed miserably, trying to convince her that she just needed to be one hundred percent sure about them before Lauren could scream from the rooftops of New Amsterdam that she was the perfect matchmaker. It took her all of two days to hold it in, before she inadvertently revealed it to Iggy while he was teasing her about her relationship with Reynolds. 

“So is it good?”

“I’d have to change your name or something if you didn’t ask me that,” Helen said, laughing at the fact that Lauren was so damn predictable. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Best I ever had.”

“What about his-”

Helen immediately caught on and cut Lauren off, bringing her hands to cover her face. She was not about to go there with Lauren but she knew better than to think Lauren would let up.

“Okay, so we are not going to talk about that. He’s literally your boss and that would be _highly_ inappropriate for me to tell you that.”

“You literally told me things about you and Muhammad though and I spared you no details about Reynolds and I.”

Muhammad was different. For one, he had no relation to Lauren besides being her boyfriend’s poker mate. Two, Muhammad was the only serious relationship Helen had while her and Lauren were friends. It was trial by fire and Helen got burned in more ways than one, but nothing too serious, to know that she needed to draw the line somewhere with her friend. They could talk about their sex lives but some things didn’t need to make it out of the bedroom. If it was ever said, then sparing major details about their encounters and who with, was probably better in the long run.

“Yea and I am still traumatized by that. I could hardly look at Reynolds and not think about the things you told me. I’m scarred for life. But that was different and you know it. Muhammad and I were different.”

Lauren looked at her face when she brought up Muhammad and she couldn’t help but ask her, “are you happy?”

“Incredibly,” Helen replied convincingly. She couldn’t stop blushing. She could hardly think about Max and not find herself unable to control that ridiculous smile she often had plastered all over her face.

“Damn it! I went through all this trouble convincing you to buy this dress and he already saw you naked countless times. Wait, turn around. Did you put on any underwear?” Lauren said, as she turned Helen’s body to see if she did. 

“Does it matter?” Helen declared.

“Well, it technically doesn’t. But remember our conversation in your office? I vividly remember the underwear part being a big deal.”

“Really? That’s all you could remember? Of all the things I said, you chose to willingly commit the most trivial detail to memory!” Helen exclaimed, pretending to be shocked at Lauren’s words.

“Well….what can I say?”

“None,” Helen teased, shooting her a wink.

“This! This is why we are friends!” Lauren announced loudly, putting her two hands in the air, delighted that her friend finally had her spunk back. She had no regard for how loudly she was speaking. Maybe it was just Lauren being Lauren or the fact that she was a few drinks away from becoming legless, although the reception was far from over. 

“I can’t believe you paid three thousand dollars for this dress,” she lamented with a disapproving look on her face.

“What? Why? You’ve seen my closet. You and I both know I own things that are way more expensive than this,” Helen said with the slightest bit of arrogance.

“Yea, I do actually. It’s not that. I just know he’s going to rip it off before this night is over.”

“Most definitely. And then he’d probably-”

Helen stopped herself when she realized what Lauren was doing.

“You nasty little son of a bi-”

“That would be me, Lauren Bloom,” Lauren interrupted, laughing so hard that a few wedding guests walking by turned around to look at them almost disgusted at their behavior.

“I can’t believe you were trying to trick me into telling you about our sex life. You are a piece of work, you know,” Helen whispered trying to get a handle on the situation.

“I will not rest until you tell me about what it’s actually like to have sex with Max Goodwin. I have my suspicions about what it’s like but I just need you to confirm it already. Why do you have all these damn boundaries?”

“Because I need them when I have crazy but lovable friends like you.”

“Fine. Thanks for letting me down easy,” Lauren responded, understanding what Helen meant.

“Anytime babe.”

Changing her tone and becoming more serious, Lauren questioned, “You love him a lot, don’t you?”

“So much it scares me. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone as much as I love him.”

Lauren's eyes popped open in shock. She could hardly believe what she heard.

“Wow. Are you hearing yourself right now?” she inquired, wearing a quizzical expression on her face.

Bloom was there for Muhammad-from the beginning to the end. If there was anyone who knew how much love there was between Helen and Muhammad, it was Bloom without question. As much as she had always been an ardent supporter of Helen and Max, it was difficult for her to even imagine that Helen could love someone more than Muhammad. She was privy to things about their relationship that no one else knew and would never know. Those things, she managed to keep closed-mouth about because she knew that those secrets weren’t the kind to be told. She never saw Helen happier and eventually so gutted and devastated, seemingly beyond the point of repair. What they had felt like a once in a lifetime kind of love. The kind of love you would compare everything else to and still come up short. There was no way a person could ever experience something to top a love that was so deep, so pure and so effortless. 

“I am. That’s what’s so scary," Helen confessed, widening her eyes at her admission and taking a deep breath.

Helen didn’t need to say it. Lauren knew what she was implying. She knew just how much losing Muhammad broke Helen. If anyone asked her years ago, she would never believe that she’d be having a conversation like this with her best friend. Based on the look on Helen’s face alone, she knew that if Helen were to lose Max, there’d be no coming back from that. Still, there was this part of Lauren that had to believe that her friend’s strength to love and open herself back up again would also help her, if she unfortunately had to live through another lost love.

“You know we were dancing around our feelings for a really extended period of time. I stayed in my head for so long about him when I started to feel myself just falling for him. I fought so hard not to get to this place. You know I have strict rules and I don’t ever date patients or their relatives. Max was just supposed to be a patient and a colleague but he just has this annoying way about him. He consumes things. He came into my life and I started losing my grip on the boundaries I created to keep love like that out.”

Helen started getting misty eyed. She hadn’t had this conversation with anyone about just how deeply she was in with Max. It was scary to confess it to another person but liberating at the same time. They turned their bodies to face the banquet hall and she could see Max going around greeting guests from where they were standing. He was having meaningful conversations with people she was so sure he didn’t know up until that moment. She was smiling, looking at her heart beating outside of her chest. 

It was always those little, unsuspecting moments, seeing him doing the most random and seemingly unattractive thing, that would pull her in closer. Maybe that’s what love is. Those little moments where you don’t expect it but it just overtakes you like a tsunami, watching that person brush their teeth, comb their hair, feed their daughter or interact with a stranger. That’s what keeps love alive. Because you won’t always get flowers, have breakfast served in bed or have random rendezvous. You have to learn to love the little things about a person because the biggest part of life is made of a million little pieces. If you learn to love the little things, it only makes the big things more enjoyable and somehow, the love lasts.

“I fought so hard but my defenses weren’t strong enough to withstand the love he had for me. The more I tried to back away was the closer he came. He was so sure of me. I took one look at him and I just couldn’t fight him anymore. I couldn’t fight love anymore. I couldn’t choose being alone when there was someone who was so willing to love every single part of me.”

Helen sniffled as she carefully thought about her next few words before saying them.

“He’s caught me a few times and I often try to play it off. I have this thing I do where I watch him sleep. It’s crazy, I know.”

Lauren shook her head from side to side disagreeing. She got it.

“It’s just that I still have these moments where I don’t completely believe it. I remind myself constantly that I deserve this. I deserve love like this. I deserve this gift that I’ve been given. Nothing reminds you of the darkness like walking in the light. His gorgeous, blue-green eyes have brought me so much light. Lauren, there was just this part of myself that couldn’t even begin to heal. I guess Max was the remedy for that part.”

“Damn it, you’re making me cry,” Lauren mumbled, trying to control the steady stream of tears that were cascading down her face.

“I’m making myself cry but I just need to get all of this out,” Helen affirmed, as she drew in a deep breath before continuing.

“I didn’t even realize how much room I had for him and Luna in my life until they were there. They just fit. He holds me and I feel safe. He kisses me and I feel like I have the strength to just keep going when I’m at my wits’ end. He touches me and my body just reacts in a way that it hasn’t before. I actually feel safe enough to be myself. Not the Helen that everyone else sees. But I can be fragile if I need to be and he knows how to handle me with care. If I need space, he knows when to let me have it. He’s so much more than the doctor that runs around the Dam. There’s a whole person under that who is still insufferable but in the most lovable way,” Helen chortled, trying to make light of the very serious moment they were having. She probably didn’t realize it but Max’s humor was already rubbing off on her.

Lauren was not the most emotional person and maybe she’d say it was the five glasses of champagne she already had along with the two shots of tequila, but she couldn’t stop her open display of emotions, hearing Helen talk about another person that way. She was definitely in love. She knew her friend was all in.

“Do I think about losing him? I do, now and again. But in those moments I just remind myself to be completely immersed in the present. To savor every single moment I have with him because the present is all I have. Max has changed me forever. I don’t ever want to go back to the Helen I was without him. I know that I would have never had the chance to meet him if I never lost Muhammad, if he didn’t take the job at New Amsterdam, if he didn’t have cancer and if he never lost Georgia.”

Lauren shook her head agreeing. She was getting it-how important loss is. She looked at Reynolds dancing with Evie and she was genuinely happy for him. She was even more convinced now that she’d get her chance at forever one day too. Looking at her friend, she could appreciate something Iggy told her earlier. We become empty handed to learn to hold more. Our hearts are broken and the breaking, could actually teach us how to love more if we allow it. 

“We both lost so much but it was just because we needed to find each other. We needed each other for whatever reason and I think I finally found the person who I was meant to give all of myself to. You know I’m not much of a crier but he makes me cry so much. He makes me so comfortable being vulnerable that I don’t even overthink it. It just overwhelms me to love so much and be loved so deeply in return. It’s all I want for you,” Helen admitted, her voice softening as she took Lauren’s hand in hers.

“It’s what I want for myself,” Lauren pointed out, laughing it off.

“But on a serious note, I couldn’t be happier for you. This is all I’ve wanted for you and to see it happen makes me the happiest person right now. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

“I love you,” Helen insisted, pulling Lauren in for a hug. This time, her arms were needed to comfort and reassure her that everything will be okay. 

One of the best parts of relationships is reciprocity. It’s good to give and it should be done cheerfully but it’s so damn good to know that you have someone who would willingly and without a second thought, do for you what you would for them. They knew each other for well over five years and through all that time, they consistently provided a shoulder for each other to lean on in the best and worst times. Good friendships are hard to find. Maybe that’s true because you could never really find them. As fate allows, we cross paths with people, in sometimes the most surprising ways, and they become the ones we would never want to do life without.

Still holding on to each other, they were suddenly interrupted, when they heard someone clearing their throat within earshot.

Max was looking at them both wiping their eyes and he could tell that they just had a moment.

“Sorry to bother you. I could always come back,” Max said, preparing to turn on his heels to return to the hall.

“Hey, no it’s fine. We’re done here anyway,” Lauren said, unable to stop smiling at him.

“I just wanted to know if you’d like to dance,” Max asked, extending his hand out.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Lauren said jokingly, causing Max’s face to become flushed. He didn’t want to look bad turning her down after he saw her crying.

“Gosh, quit acting so embarrassed. I’m only joking. I have two left feet. Dancing is not my forte. However, drinking is. Carry on love birds.”

Max's eyes shot open when he realized what she said.

“Yes, she told me Max. I’m happy for you boss,” Lauren remarked, reaching out to squeeze his right shoulder as a sign of her approval.

“But I will warn you, do not ever screw her over. I will fight for Helen Sharpe at a moment’s notice. I don’t get in the boxing ring twice a week for nothing.” 

Her voice was low and laced with seriousness. She wasn’t even smiling when she said it. 

Max knew instantly that she wasn’t even joking. He was aware that Lauren was definitely the sassier one and she would have no problem putting him in his place if he ever dared to hurt Helen. He had no intention of ever doing so-not intentionally anyway.

“I know you will. In that case,” he said as he walked closer to Helen pulling her in for a kiss. 

When their lips locked, they honestly forgot Lauren was present until she said, “My gosh. Get a room you two. Or just go in the bush or something, you filthy animals!”

The moment she said it they broke apart laughing at her antics. She took that as her cue to leave while Helen tried to rub off her lipstick that stained Max’s lips. 

“Sorry, my lipstick left a little bit of a stain on your lips,” she said, as she was still frantically trying to remove it with her fingers.

“It’s fine,” Max mumbled.

“I love that everyone could see the evidence that the most beautiful woman here tonight kissed me.” 

He reached down and found her lips again to steal another kiss. One was never enough. He was still holding in his arms, his hands resting low on the small of her back. 

“Babe, you’re so bloody cheesy,” Helen snickered.

“Yea but you love that I’m your mozzarella though.” He knew mozzarella was her favorite cheese when he'd often find her feasting on mozzarella sticks during her menses. 

She instantly brought her hand up to cover her face. She couldn’t believe he was such a dork. He really never stopped with his dad jokes.

“When I laugh I feel like I give you the wrong idea.”

“That you love my jokes?” Max questioned, his confidence on full display. 

“See? Exactly. I’m not _actually_ laughing at your jokes. It’s just that I think about what it’d be like when our children are old enough for you to embarrass them. They’re going to hate when you do that.”

He bit his bottom lip, smiling as he asked, “Oh, so we’re having kids?”

“That should be a no brainer. We’re definitely having kids. I need my good genes replicated. We could silence yours,” she teased.

“Wow! Low blow there Sharpe. Low blow,” Max responded, pretending to be hurt as he clutched his chest.

“Anyway, how many?” 

“Two. You and I both know there will only be two. Luna makes three.”

She seemed to be so sure of it. He couldn’t even argue with her.

“Fine. I don’t mind holding your hand twice while you try to cut off my circulation and curse me. Did I ever tell you that I like it when you curse?”

“Oh, you do? I swear to you that even to this day Lauren laughs when I do. It just catches her by surprise that I have the ability to use swear words to express myself. Maybe it’s my Brit accent too, but whatever,” she waived off. 

Adjusting his bow tie, she clarified, “We’re not doing that baby thing twice. Once and that’s it. We’re having twins.”

“Woman, are you crazy? We are not-”

He looked at her and quickly realized that she was not joking at all. She gave him that signature Helen look that he had grown accustomed to even before they became romantically involved. The one where she’d tilt her head upwards, squinting her eyes just a bit, almost challenging him to defy her. One thing was certain, she wanted twin babies and he knew her well enough to know that they were having them. Helen knew how to get what she wanted. 

“You know what? Fine. Whatever you say,” he said shrugging his shoulders. 

In the two short months they were officially together, Max had already learnt to pick his battles. He now made sense of Muhammad not fighting her on things. Helen could compromise on certain things but there were other things she just wouldn’t budge on. He knew this would be one of them. It wasn’t worth it to him anyway to dissuade her. Having kids with her, however they would come, would be enough for him. He was still committing this conversation to memory though, because he knew that when she would be very pregnant and waddling all over their home, unable to find her center of gravity, she’d regret not having separate pregnancies. If the pregnancy didn’t convince her, he was sure the breastfeeding, nappy changes, potty training and enduring the terrible twos times two, would definitely have her eating her words. He honestly couldn’t wait to enjoy those moments with her though.

“Thankfully, twins run in my family so I guess it’s a possibility.”

“I mean, thanks but it’s not that. It’s just that you know I’ve had trouble even on my own getting pregnant.”

“Well, you didn’t have me then,” he bragged with a smug grin on his face. 

“You singlehandedly make up for all the arrogance I don’t have,” she chuckled, as she threw her head back in laughter.

“It was just an observation. We’re scientists, remember?”

“Well, we’re artists too. Medicine is an art _and_ a science.”

He rolled his eyes amusedly. She couldn’t just leave it there.

“Anyway, back to the point. Also, why do we always have to talk in circles? 

“This is just who we are. We always get back to the point and that’s all that matters.”

“Right, the _actual_ point of this entire exchange. I know you have super sperm or whatever but realistically, we’re older. I could speak for myself when I say my eggs aren’t exactly as copious as they were in my twenties. You know this. It’s science,” she said, shooting him a wink.

“So, IVF is likely and that means our chances at having multiples increases,” Max declared, finishing her thought. 

“You’re so smart,” she said as she squeezed his cheeks.

“You know I hate when you do that. So many people squeezed my cheeks when I was younger.”

“That’s _exactly_ why I love doing it. I know it annoys the heck out of you!” she said as she reached up to kiss him as an apology. 

When they broke apart, she said sincerely, “I can’t believe how much I love you,” as she kept looking at him.

“I sometimes can’t believe you do. I feel like the luckiest man on earth.”

He rubbed his hands up and down her back as he kept his eyes fixed on hers. She looked up at him and she could see forever in his eyes as the light from the moon was reflected in them. There was this silent exchange between them and an acknowledgement that they were home, as they sighed contentedly in unison. Wherever they were, as long as they were together, they were home. 

Just then, ‘Best Part’ started playing and Max took her hand in his, bringing it close to his heart and started swaying.

“I thought we were going inside.”

“Nope, I think we’re good right here. I just want to have this moment, alone, with you.”

As they danced, he started mouthing the verse….

_It's the sunrise_

_And those brown eyes, yes_

_You're the one that I desire_

_When we wake up_

_And then we make love_

_It makes me feel so nice_

Moving in synchrony, under the starlit sky, the open heavens bearing witness to the beauty of their love, in true Max fashion, he kept stealing kisses every so often. There was a way Helen glowed in the moonlight. Her caramel skin radiated with such brilliance. Her eyes, glassy with tears, glimmered as they reflected Max’s. 

They could see it in each other’s eyes-the future. Their wedding, their children, their family trips, their Sunday brunches, their parent-teacher meetings and their house parties. 

_If life is a movie_

_Then you’re the best part_

Two months ago, they took a small step to forever but as they talked about their future, holding on to each other, they knew that they were bound together for a thousand lifetimes.

******

Weddings. The atmosphere surrounding them often fuels thoughts of the future. You entertain the what if’s and maybes but hopefully the positive ones. Maybe the alcohol was the best part for Lauren. For Iggy, perhaps it was the food. But for Max and Helen, one thing was certain- the excitement of new beginnings was actually the best part.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote chapter 10 before this chapter but I won’t post it just yet. That’s probably why I was struggling to write this! I laughed a lot writing this because this is the relationship I want Lauren and Helen to have on the show and they’re starving me! Anyway, I need to edit chapter 10 a little bit more before I post it. Chapter 10 is really The Epilogue. We have one more loop on this rollercoaster before you get off. I’d post it soon. Thanks for sticking with me folks! We’re almost there.


	10. Epilogue: The Descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’ve reached the end.

You stand at the bottom of the mountain. It’s high as all mountains are. That’s the way they were created-to make anything at its base feel small. You look up and in your mind there is an apex, a peak, a point at which you can go no further. There is some satisfaction mixed with disappointment when you arrive there. It’s what you always thought of when you were at the bottom. But then you get to the top and there’s nothing left to see. Where do you go from there?

The only reasonable thing to do is prepare for the descent.

They got married in the Bahamas with only a handful of close friends and family present to witness their nuptials. As planned, Max and Helen had two biological children-one boy and one girl. She got her twin babies. By some miracle it happened naturally and Helen endured thirty five weeks of hearing Max gush about his super sperm.

For a long time they enjoyed the mountain top view. Everything felt beneath them-their past fears, their reservations, her mummy issues, Georgia’s death and Muhammad’s too. The bottom was a hard place they didn’t want to descend back to, filled with grief, uncertainty and pain. It was over and done and the hard work was paid off. Having their dream fulfilled in each other was their peak.

But one day, they both knew that they were headed for the inevitable descent. 

A Sunday. 

They were at that point where the days couldn’t be ignored. No more laying in bed for hours on end pretending that the outside world was exactly that-outside-and the only thing existing was them. It was now ten years into their marriage. They were on a routine and the love, though present, was caught in the web of caring for their twin five year old children and Luna, who was now a teenager and giving Max a dose of what he put his parents through. 

She could remember it so clearly. They’d do brunch on Sundays. It became this family tradition that Luna tried to worm her way out of one too many times. She hated to see how mushy her parents still were with each other. This tradition would consist of Helen, miss-I-am-not-a-morning-person, waking up at the crack of dawn to make this ridiculous spread as though she were the British version of Ina Garten. She had become so American that it made Max smile that his influence was so great. He’d never own the fact that she was now living in the U.S. for well over twenty years and her Americanness had little to nothing to do with him. The man still loved to toot his horn especially when it came to her. At least that didn’t change.

She had on that Father’s Day apron she gifted him with years ago, when Luna was still struggling to enunciate well. It was immaculate. She could take care of anything. Sure, their kitchen changed and so did the people who filled it but the sentimentality and the love somehow never did. Saying the love changed would be weird because somehow that reeks of disaster. You think of change and most times your mind automatically perceives it as something to be feared, something erratic and unwelcome.

Evolved. That’s what happened. Their love grew in a way that was welcomed. It went from spontaneous sex on the countertops while Luna was sound asleep, to toddlers throwing their food across the room while attempting to wiggle out of high chairs, to chaotic family brunches where they would often turn to each other and smile in disbelief that this was actually their life. They had everything they could ever want-a family and each other.

This is what life does. It goes on. This is what time does. It passes. This is what brokenness does. It heals more.

She was mixing the pancakes, adding the invisible air to get them just right, when he walked in. He glanced down at the wedding picture on the counter beside him, with Luna between them as they splashed water on each other on the beach. Even after all these years, he never got tired seeing evidence of how happy they were. At that moment years ago, he didn’t think they could be happier but with every year they stayed together, Helen proved that she could keep adding these intangible things to his life that he would never want to be without.

He'd never live without it. 

He had been acting weird for days and she couldn’t put her finger on it. She looked up at him and suddenly, she knew why. He didn’t have to say a thing. He came in and he just looked at her. The knowing look. The familiar look. The look that instantly makes your stomach churn and the bile rise in your throat. The one where you could sense the dread that it’s happening and you didn’t even prepare for it. You didn’t prepare them for this-your children. Who knew that eyes could say so much? 

Instantly, her eyes welled up with tears and she started realizing-the mountain top is great but when you get there, you must start descending at some point. 

She dropped the whisk as her hands suddenly felt lifeless and started backing away from the island. Slowly. With each step, she felt the certainty of gravity pulling her back down. She backed herself into the counter behind her, needing the structure to support her. Her head was spinning, her chest was tightening and she could feel an ache in her heart that she wished she’d never have to know again. But this time, it was so much worse. She had no idea how she’d do it but she clearly had to. 

Still, they exchanged no words. He knew he had to make the steps. He was often the one to make the big moves since they got together. He couldn’t even move his hand from his throat. It felt stuck there. He started walking towards her. Step by step. Slowly. Tentatively. Almost as if it would be the last time they’d get to do what they always did on Sundays. He needed to savor every step he could still take unaided.

She kept her eyes glued on him, still trying to deny the reality of what she knew was true. She didn’t need a scan. She had enough knowledge and time with her husband to know what he was thinking or feeling without him ever having to say it. Forget that. She could never have enough time. She didn’t have enough time. Ten years of marriage wasn’t enough time. 

He reached close. As soon as his body cast a shadow over hers, she felt the weight of it, of him, of the truth. The darkness that she refused to allow to completely engulf her until that moment did. Her worst fear was right in front of her face and she didn’t know what to do.

His tear filled eyes pierced her and like a double edged sword, her eyes pierced him. He finally let his hand down and he reached out for her, to hold her like he always did, every Sunday morning. She stiffened. Her body felt like lead, too heavy for a sick and soon to be dead man to hold. But he was strong. He had always been. He held on to her. 

It started rising. As he squeezed her as tightly as he could, it started rising. Flowing up from her belly and somewhere to the back of her throat. She couldn’t contain it any longer. A chilling scream. A violent sob washed over her and she just let it go. It hit the air. It hit him. She could never hold it in. She loved him too much. She could never wait to see him lowered into the ground for her to deny it. This was worse. So much worse than Muhammad. And she always knew it would be.

He started swaying as she clutched his T-shirt tightly as if his life and hers too, depended on it. If only she could save him if she held onto him. She held him tighter. As tightly as she could with the little strength she could muster. She knew what he was trying to do. Max liked to grab her every Sunday while she was focused on her brunch menu, to dance around the kitchen. There was never any music except the song he’d lean into her ear and hum, causing the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up. After all these years, he still had that effect on her. 

She’d sink her head into his chest every single time, allowing the controlled steadiness of his heartbeat to be the percussion meant to keep time. It was their thing. She’d be lying if she said it wasn’t the thing that made her so insistent on brunch Sundays. He’d dance with her any day, any time and any place but there was something about their kitchen and that day and time, when she was focused on everything else and him just taking her in his arms to have their moment. Their forever. 

With the end of his life no longer in distant view, she finally understood why he did it. She remembered the corridor and their conversation about their last wishes. She wanted a party with dancing. Max always knew he wouldn’t outlive her so he gave her a dance party with him, every Sunday while he was alive. He was always going to make good on his promises. 

Holding on to him, a part of her felt like it would be the last time. 

As they swayed, life’s symphony slowing down with passing time, the upbeat major chords switching to melancholic minor chords, he started humming….

_If you love me don’t let go_

_If you love me don’t let go_

_Hold_

_Hold on_

_Hold on to me_

_‘Cause I’m a little unsteady_

  
The soundtrack of that moment. 

Realization was seeping into their broken hearts, making it known that they’d only have a couple more forevers to create. Forever, would one day, be just a memory but she’d carry him for eternity in her mind and heart. 

The fear was rational. There was a reason for it all those years ago. But one could argue that fear also gives birth to manifestation. You unconsciously replay the possibility of your worst fear becoming a reality so much that you inadvertently manifest it. Or maybe it’s less about what is in your subconscious and more about what is ill fated. 

You could try to control the outcomes as much as possible but there would always be something beyond your control. You could work yourself up about it or you could simply live the life you want to live while you have it. While you have this breath in your lungs and a heart that beats, just live. Fully. Unreservedly. Unashamedly. 

It’s what she decided as she sat across from him on the couch, when she gave him access to finally see the real Helen Sharpe. She knew that when she chose him all those years ago, she also chose the possibility that she could lose him. 

Standing in their kitchen with memories of a couple of forevers flooding their minds, the pain as real as if he’d be gone at any moment, she whispered affirmatively, “You are worth it.”

******

The descent.

Not slow.

Fast.

Fast, uncontrolled and inevitable.

But the climb-worth it.

******

Worth. How do you measure it? Is the value of a person measured by the moments that they touched your life and left an indelible mark on you? Is the value of a moment measured by the ability of it to take your breath away, leave you speechless or have you aware of your life source-your heartbeat? 

Legacy. Is it about those four simple but life changing words, "How can I help?" Is it about the mural that passersby see every time they purchase coffee at the Dam?

Worth. One thing is certain, endings should never solely determine worth. Something doesn't have to end the way you wanted for it to have been worth it. Time with those you love isn’t wasted and love freely given never is. Love is an investment with immeasurable returns. The more you give it is the more it comes back to you.

Legacy. In their named children and an addition to her last name. 

******

Forever transitioned from shared moments to memories. 

Forever, the only word to describe the love between Helen Sharpe-Goodwin and Max Goodwin.

Forever may have started with a small step but it took them on a journey they'd cherish for a lifetime.

-The End-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For months I was second guessing my decision to end the story this way. After careful consideration, I honestly believed there was no other way to end it. It’s what I set up in chapter one so I had to follow through with it. Every single time I read this ending I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I cried one too many times.  
> As always, I appreciate all of you and thanks for riding this roller coaster with me.
> 
> **I do not own the rights to these characters or any of the songs quoted in this story**


End file.
